Bi And Large

I'm still here - very very quiet. I have something on my mind that I don't want to blog about just yet. I'm very conflicted about it. Everything's fine, no one should worry.... just considering a big decision and can't get my thoughts straight. Maybe in the next few days I'll be able to lay it out.

 

Love to you all.

In an ideal world, here is what I would get done today (ha ha.) :

 

 

Pick up and sort all the toys, clothes, blankies, etc on the living room floor

Vacuum living rom floor thoroughly

Vacuum couches with pet hair cleaner

Vacuum stairs thoroughly

Pick up pieces of paper, bags, food, fridge magnets, etc on kitchen floor

Vacuum kitchen floor

Scrub kitchen floor by hand (each tile separately.)

Pick up all the stuffed animals, play kitchen, diapers, dollhouse, puzzles, books, etc on the playroom floor.

Vacuum playroom floor thoroughly

Vacuum playroom couch with pet hair cleaner

Pick up pacifiers, toys, extra blankets, clothes etc in each bedroom (3)

Vacuum each bedroom floor

Sweep and dust laundry

Clean fish tank

Clean fridge, wipe down drawers

Clean bathrooms, wash mats, wipe mirrors and counters, throw away trash, scrub toilets and bathtubs, mop floors

Clean office of junk on desks and floor, vacuum, dust, wipe down

Go to the post office with kids and buy stamps, mail Amy's very cute letter to her family in Australia

Wash windows (inside)

Make Pete's lunch for tomorrow

Do 2 loads of dishes

Soak and clean crock pot

Clear and wipe down kitchen table, replace placemats

Clear and wipe down breakfast bar

Take out all garbages (4)

Organize recycling and take out to garage

Change all bedding – sheets, blankets, quilts, doona, etc on all 4 beds inc. crib; change mattress pads on girls beds

Wash all said bedding and replace

Do the 5 loads of laundry I have waiting in the queue – kids clothes, 2X our clothes, towels, diapers; before washing bedding

Defrost a chicken and start roasting it for dinner

Plan side dishes and veggies for dinner

Clean cat food bowls

Groom cat thoroughly - brush, comb, cut out mats, clean greasy spot on back

Clean litter box

Work on reading, journalling, and graphing for therapy appointment Monday

Call and set up doctor appointment for Iris

Organize bills, pay what I can

Send 7 – 8 emails I need to get back to people on

Send 2 – 3 snail mails I need to get back to people on

Balance checkbook

Clear and dust dresser drawers in our bedroom

Discover inventive way to decorate our bedroom and the living room without spending money

Go through closets and toy bins (all 5 of them) and find things that need to be put aside for donating; the pick up is this weekend

Shovel snow and ice off driveway and walkway, sand

Shovel mud out of garage

Try to read something stimulating and more intelligent than Rainbow Fish to keep from going insane

Go to the grocery store for milk, bread, fruit, baking powder, soup

Go to Target for shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant, diapers, bottle liners, cat food, tampons

Figure out if I have enough money to do that before going

Clean and organize winter gear: muddy boots, scarves, match mittens, find hats, hang up parkas

Mop entryway that is coated in melted snow / mud

Try to speak to at least one other grownup sometime today

Clean Iris’ toothbrush which has been dragged around the laundry room

Eat lunch myself and try to take all three doses of my meds

Shower myself, brush and dry hair, get dressed, put on makeup, clean teeth

Be a cheerful and attentive wife to my husband when he gets home from work

 

 

All of this has to be done while entertaining, stimulating, loving, and playing with a toddler and preschooler, who will follow me around the house undoing anything I manage (taking out toys again, spilling on the carpet, remuddying boots, etc) and includes making their breakfast and lunch, cleaning up from that; organizing, doing and cleaning up after art or playdough or cooking projects, changing diapers, feeding bottles, several hours encouraging sleep, kissing boo boos, and otherwise spending all day with my kids, because God Forbid I be a neglectful parent. They do take priority in the house - which means they take all the time and energy. If I start scrubbing the floors and they want someone to take them for a walk, we go for a walk. I try to work the rest of the list in around their schedules (which means of course, ignoring my own.)

 

And all on 6 hours sleep of course.

 

This is EVERY DAY. I'm always behind, I can't catch up.

I just realized as I was bugging Sam to know if she was alive or dead that I haven't updated myself in quite a while. Sorry!

 

What I was contemplating last night: Here is how a typical day goes around our house. Pete leaves for work and I get up with the girls around 7:00 or 7:30. We chill, I have coffee, they watch cartoons, until about 9:00. I'm SO not a morning person. Then we have breakfast, get dressed, and go do something for the day. Playdate, errands, library, whatever. This will all go to shit if Iris needs to sleep in the morning. We won't go anywhere, or get anything done, and Amy will be bored senseless and naughty / whiney because of it. Anyway Come home, I fix them lunch, we eat, I clean up from lunch, and I put them down for a nap which usually takes until about 2:00. IF they both sleep, I can get some laundry done (nothing too loud, like cleaning the floors, because that would wake them.) I spend half an hour or so winding down in front of the computer usually. If I haven't eaten lunch yet I eat during nap time. They wake up around 4:00 (again, IF they sleep) and we read books, do puzzles, play house, color, etc. I start dinner and try to manage both cooking and needy kids. Around 5:00 Pete gets home, and he usually takes the kids while I finish cooking, even though he's wiped out from the day. 5:30 or so we eat. Lately, I have been feeling so sick to my stomach and so exhausted by 5:30 that the kids eat with Pete and I go crash in bed for a while. Between 6 and 7:30 I'm trying to finish up what work I haven't done yet in the day, like dishes, but I'm usually tired and crabby by this point and not a lot gets efficiently done. 7:30 is bath time, 8:00 is the beginning of bedtime. I say 'beginning' because it takes literally hours of effort to get the kids, mostly Iris, to sleep. Amy went through a phase recently of being up and down until midnight or so, but that has largely passed. Still we now have Iris to contend with, who requires bottles, and nappies, and a perfectly low-lit room with perfectly adjusted white noise, and certain items in her crib or not in her crib, and a clean lovey, and pacifiers within easy reach with backups for the ones she tosses on the floor, and one of us holding her and pacing her floor while we sing every song we have ever herd in our life. I am not exaggerating that we have worn the carpet out in a line in her room. Sometimes we have to rock / walk / sing for hours and hours. Last night I did it until midnight. If you stop, or put her down in her crib, she screams and freaks out. If you leave her alone in her room to cry herself to sleep, she gets more and more worked up until she pukes on herself, which is dangerous and gross, and then you have to change sheets plus pajamas and start all over from behind getting her calmed down. Midnight or so we crash exhausted as soon as Iris is asleep. We don't usually have the time or energy to talk to each other. Sometimes she wakes up at 2 or 3:00 and has to be rocked again. 6:30 the alarm goes off and we start again from a state of further sleep deprivation.

 

So.

 

My house, let me tell you, is a fucking sty. And I'm embarrassed by that. I know my neighbors who have come over have been surprised by it and probably more than a little grossed out. There is cat fur on the couches and curtains because I haven't vacuumed them. There is dried bits of food on the floor under the highchair because I haven't had time to scrub it (and remember my stupid floor can't be mopped.) The living room looks a little odd because we have yet, 2 years after moving in, to hang any decorations to speak of. The breakfast bar in the kitchen is piled a foot high with plastic bags, rubish, papers I need to file, junk mail, lost pacifiers, etc. The recycling is always in a heap by the garbage can (under the breakfast bar) instead of in the bin in the garage. The toys and books and puzzles and crayons and dolls are EVERYWHERE on the floor and spreading. I think they may seriously be reproducing behind the couch. For every item I put away, the girls take out 5 more. Literally. We make them pick up the play room every night but they're young enough that it doesn't get done very well, plus that leaves the living room, kitchen, bedrooms, and office. I can't vacuum most times when I have a spare 5 minutes to, because there is so much stuff on the floors. I can't scrub the toilets until I can be sure that no one will be drinking out of the toilet bowls for at least 10 minutes, which rarely happens.

I'm really embarrassed about the house. And, I'm really frustrated. Because other people with two little kids have clean houses. Fuck, my next door neighbor has an absolutely spotless, beautiful house and she has eight kids! How does everyone do it? Am I just lazy at the core of my personality, like my mother always told me I was? Am I running with fewer resources than your average Stay At Home Mom because of my underlying chronic health stuff? Is this poor parenting, letting my kids run my day and not containing their mess to the play room? Does it make me a bad wife, a bad mother? Will my kids be embarrassed of the house when they're older, or have memories of rooms you can't walk through? I don't know. I have NO idea where other people find the time and energy. No idea. I still can't get a shower half the days I'm home with the kids. I'm so tired too, when I have 5 free minutes (like now) I usually want to sit and just close my eyes for a bit or connect with a friend instead of picking up the living room AGAIN for the 8th time today. And if I have a free moment in the evenings, which also rarely happens, I feel like I should at least make the exhausted attempt to speak to my husband. We haven't had a single conversation since we got back from Oz. Not one. It creates a lot of distance. For heaven's sakes I even have the help of a nanny 8 hours a week. But more and more that time is entirely taken up with running to doctor's appointments as I try to manage my health by seeing my five different specialists (as well as get bloodwork done, get the kids checkups, and make it to marriage therapy.) Once every couple of weeks I have her around for an hour or so free and I find myself just wanting to go out and get a luxurious cup of coffee by myself instead of cleaning the kitchen.

 

I feel like a failure. How does everyone else do it???

OK, so everyone in the house has figured out adjusting back to US time. Everyone but Iris. She thinks bedtime is a nap and every night at about 10:00 she wakes up and no matter what we do, stays awake all night. Getting kind of tired of it. Anyway that happened last night, and when she finally crashed about 6:30am I was like, screw this, I may as well just get up now. So I did, vegged in front of the computer for a while, checked all the news.

 

It's been cold and snowy here (not surprising I suppose!) Is it true I was on a beach in the sun, running the A/C at home, just a week ago? We had a few inches of old snow on the ground and then last night a storm came through and left about 4 or 5 more inches of fresh white stuff on top. It had cleared to a drizzle (what is the snow version of drizzle? Snizzle?) this morning and the breaking of the clouds meant it was cold again... about 3F / -16C and a brisk windchill around -20F / -30C. It was a beautiful pre-dawn though with the glitter and smoothness of the snow. I was feeling agitated from not sleeping and being yelled at at 2:30am (oh he's hearing about that later) and just sitting, so I decided it would be a great morning for a walk. Walking the roads around our house is a mile or two, and with the fresh snow I figured I'd be outside around an hour. That takes some SERIOUS bundling up in this weather, and being a native Californian I still find it amusing. As far as I hear from you guys, the Aussies find it amusing too (oh, if you only had pictures) so let me tell you what all that kind of walk prep entails.

You need (well I wore at least) :

Underwear

Undershirt

Sweatshirt

2 pairs of pants; a tight fitting pair against your skin and a thicker weave on top

2 pairs of socks

Wool leg warmers

My subzero parka - this is roughly the equivalent of wearing a heavy sleeping bag, with arms. It goes down to my ankles, zips up to my nose with face flaps, has a fur lined hood (with snow drizzle or blowing snow you need the fur around the lining to keep the bits of ice out of your eyes) is windproof and is overfilled with down. Love it.

Cashmere scarf

My good hat (two layers knit wool, lined with fleece) pulled down to cover my ears

Heavy mittens (same as the hat)

Pete's UGG boots - if I were doing this right I would wear my own snow boots, which are warm, waterproof, have ankle support and good traction for the ice. But they were in the garage and I have a spider thing, so I took Pete's UGGs.

 

You need a thickish laye rof Vaseline on your lips to keep them from windburn / freezing / splitting. You have to take your glasses off because the metal rims freeze and burn your cheeks or ears. You have to take tissues because your nose runs. Then you pull the part of the scarf that is looped around your neck up over your face under your eyes, pull the end to tighten it, and zip up the face flaps on the parka to hold it all in place. Voila! The only exposed bit of me is my eyes (which, even under the hood, got icicles on my eyelashes from my breath!) and actually, I was quite comfortable even after an hour or so outside. I would have even been comfy if I wasn't excercising, although I would have wanted another pair of gloves to double up.

 

Now, understand that all this isn't necessary if you're hopping in your warm car to run to the warm store for milk or something. I hardly ever go out on errands with more than a hat and extra sweatshirt. It's just if you're staying outside in that windchill for any length of time. And I was glad I had it all this morning!

 

I wish I could take all of you with me on walks like this. You're basically alone on the roads, with a big expanse of white like a giant sheet of paper in front of you, totally unmarked, ready for you to put your footprints in it any way you like. The bare trees are glistening with ice and the evergreens have loads of snow like icing on their branches. The birds are out singing, some sparrows and cardinals and other winter birds flashing in the trees. As you walk each step in the snow makes a very satisfying squeaky crunch sound, kind of like the sound crushed ice makes when you compress it in your teeth. The landscape is beautiful. The lights are starting to come on in the neighbor's houses one by one. The sky lightens and brightens and you get to see a brilliant dawn reflected in all the snow. The houses all stick up out of a sea of marshmellow white, drifts and mysterious hills and valleys of snow that are not there when the ground is bare. Everything is covered, unseen, just the ocean of smooth white. You're (hopefully, if you wear all this crap) warm and snug as you walk along but the air you breathe in is brisk and smells that clean dusty smell of snow. It's a very nice way to start a winter morning. Get home, uncover layer by layer, and put a pot of coffee on... yeah, it's nice.

I got an email from an old friend / co-worker from the PCOSA today. She, along with another old friend and a woman who publishes a PCOS magazine, is starting up an online presence that will be huge. It will be, from what I understand, like a clearinghouse for PCOS info with all the major research, support, community, etc all going through there. Big deal. I'm kind of excited about it, even though I haven't done any PCOS work since Amy was born and have been out of the loop; because I so desire to see PCOS in all its forms be well understood by the medical community and resources becoming readily available. Anyway the email was asking me to collaborate with them to get this thing off the ground. I'm so flattered that after almost 4 years I'm still respected enough in that community to be asked. I'm a little nervous, because heaven knows I don't have the time now that I did 4 years ago to put into it. I'm not at all sure what kind of time I could commit to. But I have been thinking about getting back into it for a while now, and this is a good opportunity. It is a big leap to go from Stay Home Mom bustling in my garden and snuggling with the cat or my babies, back to PCOS advocate. Kind of scary. I'm not sure I will be able to do it. But helping my comunity is so important to me. I'm waiting on some more info from them about what they're looking for, and we will see....

2:00am and no one is asleep. Well, Amy is asleep - poor kid's resistance was trashed by the trip and she ended up with a pretty high fever tonight (103.3!) so she's curled up in bed zonked out. Iris is playing like it's noon, Pete and I are sitting and staring and wondering if we will be able to be back on US time before he goes back to work on Tuesday. Ay yi yi.

 

I did some journaling about the trip for my treatment (yes, that would be mental health treatment) and I am surprised at one thing I learned, thanks to my brothers-in-law. Normally, no surprise to anyone who knows me well, I struggle with unhealthy views of sexuality. In my mind, sex is the ONLY way that people can really relate to each other. My parents, bless them, resented and struggled with each other while I was growing up. There were some good times, but mostly they were left on simmer with unhealed wounds lingering under the surface and disappointment or resentment everywhere else. The only way they related to each other was via sex - constant, loud, public, multi-orgasmic freaky monkey sex. Often in front of us kids. Megan knows what I'm talking about. They still do BTW, much to Kysa's horror. Anyway in this fashion I got the idea when I was young that only sexual connection is worthwhile, only sex truly communicates love and acceptance. That's my background and what I've been working on more than a year now with little progress unfortunately.

 

So, I hope it will be no surprise to anyone that I have NO sexual interest in my brothers-in-law. I love them, yes dearly, but I'm not dying to strip them down and bonk them. Ew. Actually the thought is kind of revolting, they're like brothers to me. Icky. They're lovely men you understand, all very good looking and lovely to know, but BIL's just aren't my thing. When we're together, they all are so blessedly accepting of me. They all LOVE me, and make efforts to show me so in their words and actions, which I so appreciate. But most interestingly, they often do this through touch. When we stand together they lean on me or touch arms. They stroke my hair, kiss my cheeks, kiss my lips, embrace often. Mick especially does this quirky thing I love that reminds me so much of a subconscious Pete behavior: when he's standing behind me (like in the kitchen or as part of a group waiting in line or whatever) he sort of gently scratches the back of my neck. I'm a strongly kinesthetic person in the first place, so any communication via body language and touch speaks much more deeply to me than words or writing. Also, their willingness to touch me reassures me of their affection for me and acceptance of my body, just as it is. These are not people afraid of catching "fat" if they hang around me. They are not disgusted or put off by my body - it is just simply my body to them. I LOVE that. And I loved their touch, delighted in it, craved it, and want more and more. It felt so good to be touched in such a loving way. And then it hit me - this is loving, tender, reassuring, happy, fulfilling touch... and none of it is remotely sexual. This is how healthy familiar touch should be. A source of positive feelings and connections, an expression of love and familiarity, but not always linked to sex. That is so cool! I now have an absolutely perfect example to rely on and consider when I get sex and love confused.

 

I'm grateful for my family out there. They're good people. Sure they have their own dysfunctions, and their own history that wasn't always perfect. But they love me for who I am, which is more than I get out of my birth family most the time. That means the world to me, and I'd do just about anything for them.

Powerball might not love you, but we do.

 

We're back in the North Country. When are you coming over????

Just quickly, as I have too much to do and am jetlagged and overwhelmed beyond belief!

 

We arrived back in CA last night, we've been at my parents just having a shower and some sleep, and in a couple hours we'll get back on the plane to go home. We should get in sometime tonight. We left our apartment in Australia to come home about 38 hours ago. BY the time we get home, door to door, we will have been traveling en route with the two little ones for 2 days and 5 hours or so. Gack I'm sick of it!

 

Now that we're here I'm desperately homesick for my inlaws, who I adore (even my FIL was kind this trip, and I love love love Pete's mum, brothers and sister) and feeling a little culture shock and homesickness for Oz again. I wish we lived someplace you could walk everywhere. And I miss lamingtons. And good friends, dearly loved good friends who make me laugh like crazy and who are good to my kids. I miss getting up in the morning and putting the kettle on, and crumpets, and good quality meat and milk (OMG the milk, I had forgotten, it tastes like heaven. What do Australian cows eat anyway?) But I'm about to head to Peets to wake up with a large mocha before we get on the plane and I know all will be well.

 

I am anxious to catch up with everyone here, but if you don't hear from us for a couple of days don't be offended. It's going to take a little while to get past this travel fatigue and help the girls readjust etc. Pete doesn't go back to work until Monday; hopefully by then we'll be back in the land of the living.

Tomorrow is our last day here! I can hardly believe it. It has been wonderful to be here on the one hand, much better than I could have thought. On the other, it has been difficult in some ways and I'm ready to go home.

Family interactions have gone a thousand times better than expected, and I had high expectations. My girls absolutely adore their Aussie family and my in-laws absolutely dote on them and love them. Every day when Amy sees them she screams with joy. We have actually all gotten along so well. I know I will miss them a great deal when we're not around and I can't imagine how the girls will cope. The place we're living has turned out to be nice, and that has been a relief. Food has not been great but we have had the funds to make finding something edible an option at least most of the time. The girls have been good. We've had a washing machine. The beach, being in a real ocean aagin, was heaven. Seeing old friends and renewing those relationships has been really amazing and I'm so grateful for it.

On the other hand, I'm ready to go home. And beyond just the normal 'I miss my own bed and my cat' kind of home. I'm tired of summer. We just had summer. I want some snow. The food sitch has been OK but I've still been sick a lot of the trip trying to get my  body to adjust to all the weird tastes and additives (well, weird to me! Normal for everyone else I know!) I'm dying for a decent cup of coffee, or at this point for someone to just bloody well understand what a decent cup of coffee is. I'm sick of nodding and smiling politely when someone very proudly gets me to taste their burnt bean over acid pale flavor stuff here, telling me how great it is. Sure it's great, for Australian coffee. Just like tea in the US, no matter how nice, is crap compared to here. Ugh. Peter and I have been fighting a whole lot. I find I don't even want to be around him recently because we just can't seem to enjoy each other, and that's a huge change from before we left when we were doing so well and building a lot of intimacy and really enjoying our closeness. I'm done with being here together. The girls are getting done with the trip and are a handful and a half. I am feeling irrational rage towards the poor chick who cleans here for showing up at weird times when we need space and then not showing up again at all for ages, and I let the place go dirty because I expect her to come clean any day. The bugs are dreadful. I cannot cope any more with the constant roaches and spiders. So utterly disgusting to have them where people live. I'm PMSy. Most of all I'm feeling the stress, irritation, and anxiety of being in a foreign place to my home, and it's getting harder and harder to deal with every day. I'm exhausted from it, and I am getting more and more panic attacks, and I'm aggravated and short tempered from nothing being 'right.' I just want to go home. Of course that means packing.

Anyway there's tomorrow, and then the next morning we leave early to catch the train down to the city and get loaded into the cattle car plane for the day. Yay. Get to spend 15 hours without moving with walls touching every side of my body, a gazillion hours in immigration and customs, and then we spend 24 hours jet lagged at my parent's place before spending another entire day on 2 flights back home. Such a sensation of relief and dread all at once!

I'll update when we get there.