Bi And Large

Remember how I was quiet for so long trying to get my head around something? This is what it is. And, I feel really embarrassed about it for some reason, so this is a copy / paste job and I'm sorry for that. I just can't bring myself to type it twice! It covered quite a discussion in my other journal so all the parts of it (that matter anyway) are here.

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I have never admitted this to anyone before, I don't know why I feel such a sense of shame over it. I have no reason to. I'm a dork.

I am considering... considering, not sure yet, maybe won't.... having weight loss surgery. Which I know is antithetical to everything about me! My fat is a huge part of who I am and I don't mind it. Plus, I'm healthy. The risk of death (!) from the surgery is like 1:100 which is kind of high. And frankly, I really LIKE being an advocate for fat folks like me. I LIKE teaching kids that it's OK to notice someone's big belly or backside, and it's not a bad thing. I like feeling as though I am changing my culture one little step at a time, and hopefully no other little girls out there will have to go through what I did as a kid.

But here's the thing. It really coalesced for me while we were in Australia, which is WAY more accepting of weight than the US. Guys (and girls ) hit on me constantly while I was there, every day. Every male I ran into called me "doll" or "beautiful." People actually stopped me in the street to tell me what a gorgeous family we make. Once an old man walked up by us on the street, caught my eye and I smiled at him just being polite you know; and he walked over to Pete, shook his hand and said broadly in reference to me "Well done, mate!" While I was there, my size wasn't really socially disabling like it is here. But you know what? It was still disabling. There were still places I couldn't fit into. There were activities that were uncomfortable. My feet hurt, a LOT, if I walked more than a couple miles in a day. I couldn't sit down on the ferry. The plane ride, gosh, we won't talk about it. While we were there I haad a bad skin infection that was painful and hard to deal with, because of my fat belly. So there were a whole bunch of reasons that I would consider a life as a smaller version of myself a hell of a lot easier. I think sometimes, wouldn't it be nice to go into an office, or a restaurant, or a friend's car, and know I am going to be able to sit down. I can't do that now. Wouldn't it be nice if my daughters didn't have to be embarrassed of my size when they reach a certain age at school. Wouldn't it be nice if I could take this one piece out of the equation when I am feeling vulnerable in my marriage, when I feel like I must not be loveable. It DOES seem like maybe it could be a really good thing.

My current BMI is 56 That qualifies me for insurance coverage for sure. I have been thinking it over and researching it ever since our trip. There's a guy not too far from me who is a well known, renowned surgeon and has performed almost 2,000 weight loss surgeries. That's a LOT! It could mean a better quality of life for me.

Then on the other hand, what's so wrong with my quality of life now? I've got a great husband who loves me, my girls, tons of friends, everything I could want really. And if I do say so myself I don't look too rough for being the size I am. Do I really want to take on such a drastic risk?

My GP, who is a *wonderful* doctor and very supportive of me, whatever size I am at so long as I am healthy, has said he will gladly support me and follow me and offer his care either way. He will help me deal with the effects of being this big, or he will help me organize my surgery and manage my life afterwards. His only suggestion for getting it done is that he feels, over time, my knees and ankles will give up. And if I'm honest, he's right. And he says very logically that if I have to have it done eventually to save my joints, he'd rather see me do it at 30 than at 40. That makes good sense to me.

***Insert note here, because I don't think I blogged about it. But earlier this week I once AGAIN, for the third time now, have broken my foot just by walking on it. :( I have stress fractures in 2 metatarsals in my right foot. It hurts. Being heavy enough that your feet break when you overdo it isn't healthy. It's disabling. This was some of the impetus for me.***

I am afraid of never being able to eat again. Not that I am particularly fond of eating. I know I have at least alluded to it before here but not eating is my preferred compulsive behaviour. And even when I am eating, I don't eat for the pure love of eating - I eat because I need to manage my blood sugar. I don't mind good food for sure, it is nice. But I also don't binge eat and don't eat crap. 99% of the time I don't eat junk food, fast food, soda. Mostly I eat raw fruit and veggies. So my diet is already good and I already make healthy choices. But that's just it, they're choices, and they're MY choices. I'm really afraid of giving up that control. I don't like giving up control in any way shape or form. It terrifies me. I need control to be able to protect myself. So giving that away, forever, for the rest of my life... that scares me.

And what if this doesn't work anyway? I know 2 other people with my insulin disorder who had WLS and neither of them lost any weight Which would make sense, seeing as it's not overeating that causes our weight gain, so why would a forced diet cause weight loss, you know? Do I really want to subject myself to a 1% chance of death for something that might not give me any benefit? Do I really want to put my girls through that risk of losing their mother - the mother they love just as she is, fat and all - for something that will complicate the rest of my life? is the tradeoff worth it?

I know I'm talking in circles, but this has been my thought process lately. I can't make up my mind, I can't decide which is the better future to look towards. The more I research the more confused I become. Sometimes I think about what it must be like to walk into any old store and buy a t-shirt, or what sex would be like with a body half this size. And then sometimes I think about the hair loss and fatigue from malnutrition, and the 6 weeks of recovery where I couldn't care for my children and would probably need my mom here Or, speaking of, I think about how my mother's family would all be oh SO proud of me for 'finally doing something about that awful body of yours.' And I kind of want to give them a big fat FUCK YOU and stay fat and successful and happy just to prove them wrong. That does feel good. But I have already proven they were wrong to treat me like they did, and my life has been wonderful and amazing and I'm very proud of it. When do I stop with the fuck you they probably don't even hear, and start making choices based solely on what's good for ME, family be damned?

It's just really hard to decide!

And now I'm going to hit submit and spend the rest of the night afraid that you are all going to think less of me for even considering this. I know a lot of people admire me for loving myself, as I am. And the thing is, I still do, and this doesn't change that... I'm just hoping it can make my practical, day to day life a little easier!

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I decided tonight over dinner to bring it up with Pete. I have been too embarrassed to talk to him before this. And at first he was really quiet, and I thought he was going to say it was a dumb idea. And that is when I knew... because I felt disappointed. I really wanted him to encourage me to do it. SO, I must, deep down, really want this. And it turns out that he was only quiet because he was thinking about it, and he thinks it's a fine idea if I want to do it. So that was dinner.

While we were eating I got like 5 emails from someone I've been working with but my phone couldn't download them for some reason.

We came home and I got the mail... what do you know, in it was some information and a video that I asked for in January, 10 weeks ago, about WLS. I had given up hope of ever seeing it. Funny that it should arrive the same night I was talking it over with Pete.

Then I came up here and checked my email - and those emails were a coworker telling me that she was going to take some time off to have WLS. Now it was getting creepy!

So all that happened in the space of maybe an hour. And it all started as soon as I decided I did want this after all. That's quite a coincidence! So, I am taking it as a sign. I think I should at least go ahead and get some more information about it.

I know no one here is going to say anything negative to me, even if I invite it, but I have to ask... do you guys (whose honest opinions I trust) think that pursuing this makes me weak? Or not as self confident as I come across? Or not even likeable? Would you be disappointed in me if I did this?

I just want to be able to get around better!

It's funny because I'm surprised that everyone else seems surprised that I would be embarrassed about the WLS!

Here is what prompted that I think:

I have spent a lot of time, a LOT of time, working on self-acceptance. And it has been a success! I do accept who I am, think I am a worthy human being, and am happy. That is extremely unusual among morbidly obese women and to even consider WLS feels like I am betraying that. Like I'm saying that deep down, all along, I never really believed I was good enough; and given any opportunity to change my size I would do it.

Being fat is a HUGE part (ha ha) of who I am. It has always been this way and it's just ME. Doing something so drastic to be NOT fat any more feels like a rejection of myself. In my darker moments it almost feels like another form of self-mutilation.

Both online and IRL I get a lot of strokes from people who tell me they admire me for being myself, being proud of who I am, and showing the world you can be sexy at this size. I have to admit, I really like that. I love when people compliment me (classic codependant, there it is again!) Will people still like me if I have WLS to change my body?

When I was little, I was abused because of my size. I have come to terms with a lot of that now and have moved on, but I can't help still being sensitive about how I treat my body. I'm a grownup now and dammit, my body is going to be treated like a beautiful temple! I will always take care of it and protect it because I couldn't when I was little. That's the thought process anyway. Having major, risky surgery in order to make me less fat is in some ways just a smidgen too close to the treatment I received from my family. It isn't the same of course, and I'm not a little girl any more of course - I'm a grown up and this is something I would CHOOSE. But I'm sensitive in that area and I can't put those feelings away entirely. I feel like if I let this be done to my body, then I am worthless, just like when I was young. They were all right to treat me that way if I allow it as an adult. Does that make sense? (It doesn't have to be correct, but that's the thought process!)

It's very difficult for me to explain. The only thing I can think is maybe my past contributes to my fear?

ANYWAY hope that clears up some of the confusion. I just am so scared that if I change this fundamental thing about who I am, people won't like me or will think of me as weak. And contrary to the way I present, that is a very very big fear of mine! I need you guys.

I have pretty much decided to at least investigate more and meet with some of the clinics and surgeons in my area. My theory right now is: It makes sense to do this NOW, while I am 30 and healthy, and can tolerate the surgery so well with a greatly reduced risk because I don't have diabetes or heart disease or anything. Then hopefully I can prevent those comorbidities from developing in the future. And frankly, it would just be so much more comfortable on a day to day basis. On a practical level it would sure be nice.

I'm not doing it because I'm dissatisfied with who I am. I like who I am and I'm proud of all I've done. I think who I am deserves to have feet with no broken bones is all!

When I'm up too late, I get to spend time on the internet looking into crazy stuff.

When we finally have a ton of extra money (you know, when we win Powerball, which all of our financial plans are based on right now) I want a dog. And not just any dog. I want a Black Russian Terrier. They're a rare breed, and they're GORGEOUS. Some Pictures Here. Check out the first one, Grisha, of the puppy with the pink flowers. They are extremely gentle, intelligent, good with other pets and with children, don't need a lot of care. They love to just relax and let the kids climb on them, somewhat like the temperment of a newfoundland. They are super affectionate and will follow you from room to room just wanting to hang out with you and love on you. But if they think their family is threatened, look out. They were bred for use in WWI to stop men with guns, and stop men they do. If a threatening stranger tries to get into your house or to your kids, they simply will not do it. So what if they cost like $2500 a puppy. That's for pet / companion quality, not show quality Like I say, I'll need to win the lottery first. But when I do, I'm getting one of these to help me herd the kids when we're all out in the backyard!

I would just like you all to know that I have a GIANT pimple. On my ARSE. It is making life extremely difficult for me at the moment.

That is all.

Mouse over the different color blocks that make up the whole to see the personality results - this is a really amusing (and, IMO, accurate) personality test! The link at the bottom takes you to the site.

Kysa is probably foaming at the mouth to know that I scored lower than 96% of the population in sense of style (the grey block in the lower right)!! 

Oh crap, I can't believe I forgot to tell you about the roof until Sam reminded me! It went fine. Always a major PITA to have your entire roof ripped off with pitchforks and replaced with lots of hammering, especially with 2 young kids, but it was OK. I found out that the suburb just north of us has a HUGE indoor playground, and when I say huge I mean HUGE. I have to get some pictures off my camera and show them to you, only I know it won't do them justice. They have a climbing area with slides and stuff that is THREE STORIES HIGH. There is a twisty slide that comes down from the top, the kind that is a tube that turns around and around, and it does 10 full rotations to get to the ground! It has ball pits, an obstacle course, a whole toddler area, and unlike your typical fast food restaurant play area this one is spotlessly clean and well maintained... and it's only $5 to get in. Anyway so I took the girls up there most of the day Monday and avoided the banging on the roof and it worked out fine. No one napped even though they were exhausted, because of the noise, but it was still OK.

My only complaint is that we did something too far-sighted, so to speak. We got a roof that was done in a lovely shade of grey with blue specks in it. It makes it a sort of soft dove blue, mostly grey but definitely has that tint to it. This will look gorgeous when we get the siding done, which we plan on making a dark nautical blue. (the trim is all white.) Unfortunately, we won't have the money to replace the siding for like, 3 years. And in the meantime, the current siding is 20 year old natural aged cedar, which is kind of yellowish grey or brown grey. NOT so attractive with a blueish roof. And it makes it look like we're just astoundingly dumb and can't pick colors, and because we live in *that* kind of neighborhood I am sure everyone has noticed and discussed it by now. Oh well though.

I did get quite a giggle out of using my Spanish with the guys. There were about 8 of them doing the roof, and here it's not very common to see a caucasian Spanish speaker. That morning was chilly, and I made up a tray with fresh hot coffee, cream, sugar and mugs and took it out to them. The foreman was standing in our driveway on his cell phone, and I walked up to him and said in Spanish "Would you guys like some coffee?" It didn't click at first, and he said offhand in Spanish, "Hey, there's never a bad time for coffee!" and then as he turned to take the tray from me it hit him, and he just stopped and stared with his mouth open for a minute. Followed by a huge broad grin and "Gracias!" It made me giggle. I chatted with the guys a bit as we were coming and going, and I was even able to explain to the foreman that I had a guy coming between 3 and 5 to deliver the groceries, so could they let his truck up the driveway and clear a path to the front door. It all went smoothly and I didn't even have to repeat myself. Which is astounding given that I haven't really used my Spanish since Amy was born and never was that into it to begin with... but there you go! It still works!

Anyway that's my roof story! I'll try to take a picture of the mismatched colors soon!

Tonight Amy needed someone to cuddle with to go to sleep, and as I was laying in her quiet room, letting my mind wander and half-dozing, I was surprised by the funniest memory.

When I was about 6 I had my very first crush on an older person - in this case, about 5 years older. Her name was Helen, and she helped her mom out with teaching Sunday school at our church and sometimes as a daycamp counselor. (Note to self - ask my therapist why it is I always develop my lesbian feelings / relationships with girls from church, for crying out loud???) Anyway she was sporty, and had brown curls, and glasses (oddly enough now that I remember her, she was the spitting image of Mary,) and she was so much fun. I don't know that I would have called my feelings sexual at that age of course, but they were definitely feelings of love and definitely different than the way I felt about other loved ones. She was very special to me for some reason.

In my memory, we are at the church playground playing a game that involves chasing, like tag - me and her and a bunch of other kids. And I don't remember exactly what happened but I ran up the hill to hide with her. I remember the dry hard slope and being proud of my strong legs and how fast I could run, I remember being so excited to run up and be with her. When I got there, I think she saw me but continued running down the hill with some other kids. Something really trivial like that, I mean she was in the middle of a game. And I remember being absolutely devastated, just heartbroken - it wasn't that she didn't like me, I know she did. But she didn't care for me especially more than any of the other kids, I wasn't special to her. And that realization was just crushing. I remember crying over it.

What a funny thing to remember all of a sudden! It made me laugh.

Considering I don't remember EVER having feelings like that over a guy (until I met Pete of course) but feeling like I had to fake that to be normal when I was older, how in the hell did I miss the fact that I was attracted to girls until I was in my mid-20's? What the hell Sonn, not like it wasn't obvious! Meh.

Yes, Megan, I am here! I have been quiet, but everything is fine. Just nothing really exciting to catch you all up on, more run of the mill every day kind of things. Which is good! I will take boring any day. It just makes for piss poor blogging.

Let's see, what can I tell you.... well the biggest event I guess is that our new roof is going up tomorrow and the next day, which has me stressed like you wouldn't believe. It is going to involve a lot of noise, a construction crew, a lot of dust and mold, a lot of stuff shaking in the house, a lot of people around. The kids will probably need to be out of the house all day so I'm trying to figure that out. It's still way too cold to take them outside for very long, highs should be around freezing tomorrow. They won't nap. Groceries get delivered tomorrow and I need to try and figure out how to get them into the house when the driveway will be full of construction stuff. I have to take anything breakable away from the walls and the whole thing just is making me anxious. Better to get ti done, don't get me wrong... and by Wednesday it will all be done and over with (unless our mold problems are crazy bad or something!) Then it will be a few months of really struggling with the payments on it and making everything work and ends meet, because we could barely... just BARELY, like skin of our teeth barely, afford the roof that had to be done. And money being tight always makes me anxious too. BUT it will be beautiful when it's done, so there's that.

Otherwise... well, nothing real exciting! I've been working on the beginnings of the garden for next year, including starting some of my veggies, and that's really rewarding. Details are in my gardening journal if you care, I can't imagine why you would though!

I need to email this to Greg, too, but I wanted to tell you a lovely thing Amy said the other day. Out of the blue she came up to me and said she absolutely needed a phone in her bedroom. I said what for. She came right back with, "Well, what if I have some kind of problem, and I can't talk to you about it, I need it so I can call Greg!" For the record, I told her if that was the case she could take the cordless phone into her own bedroom for privacy. And she might want to look into learning how to dial the phone too. But Greg, you should know how important you are to a 4-year old, and that she trusts you so much she picks you as the person who she could turn to for help if she couldn't even talk to us. So feel loved!

Anyway I'll say more if there's more to say. Right now though we're just kind of roling along. And after all the sickness and mental health stuff and God knows what else, I'm frankly just glad to be boring!

Like the title says, Iris is better!!! Doesn't it just figure, that as soon as I took her to the doctor and got myself all worked up she'd turn out fine. Looks like it WAS just extremely bad luck about the run of virus infections after all. She is back to eating some bland solids, drinking a lot, NOT PUKING (yay!) and running around playing with Amy. I'm so thankful! The turnaround happened SO fast, like within 12 hours. We didn't believe she was really well aagin so fast at first but she is really doing great :) Now to put those 3lbs back on her!

We had a guy out here to look at our roof yesterday, and he was about the 6th professional to tell us yes, we do in fact desperately need a new roof. Bloody hell. As I have said before, we wondered how it was that we got such a great deal on this place. Little did we know it needed so much replaced! The roof is leaking in at least 2 spots, and water actually runs down out of the fan vent in our upstairs bathroom, so that is a BAD leak. We also suspect there is black mold in the roof :( Which might account for all the sickness we've had recently. I've been finding more and more patches of black mold starting in weird places, like under the shampoo bottles or on top of the shower head, when I clean. EVERYTHING is going to have to be pulled out and replaced, not just some new shingles slapped on. And it's a kind of complicated roof that has several peaks and valleys. Pretty, but a PITA to replace. It's going to run us about 8 grand, which of course we don't have. Gah.

In happier news, it's been wonderful spring-like temperatures the past few days, and we've been able to get the kids outside enjoying it and getting some fresh air. I've also been able to FINALLY open some windows during the warmest part of the day and air the house out, and it feel so good! Yesterday I even started planting some of my veggie seeds to transplant into the garden in a couple months - I have trays of broccoli, onions, and peas under lights. I can't WAIT for winter to be done! The snow is beautiful but I am dying to run around outside in my bare feet!

OK, let's see what all went on today. I went to the foot dr, it went fine. He can't remove the wart thing because it's too big, so he is slowly dissolving it and making it blister and be gross and uncomfy until it gets down to a size they can do surgery. But it is fine and I like the dr. So there's that.

Iris is very sick. She had norovirus with the rest of us starting about 3 weeks ago. We took a week to get through it, and then everyone got better. Tuesday Iris started throwing up again and she hasn't been able to hold down anything at all, not even fluids, since Wednesday. Today (Friday) it was so bad that she threw up 3 times in an hour, even though she hasn't eaten anything. So we took her to the ped this afternoon. Here's the update:

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We don't really HAVE an answer. Which is frustrating. Let's see if I can remember all the parts of what was said.

She is not dehydrated, which is a HUGE - we got lots of compliments from our dr over that.

She was still running a fever, and has been since Tuesday.

She has lost over 3lbs (1.4kg) since this started Which is really a lot considering she isn't dehydrated, so that's all real weight loss. Now I'm really grateful she was always a chubby kid (not that I didn't love it before!) Amy, while healthy, was always very skinny and a weight loss like that would have been very dangerous for her.... so I'm glad Iris was at least able to handle it and be OK. Still, it's a big chunk of weight. She's down to 23lbs so 3lbs is a pretty big percentage.

She still has unbearably bad diarrhea, very watery and it looks as though there *might* be small amounts of blood in it. I had to change her twice during the appointment and the dr looked at her diapers and was worried about them.

He listened for a LONG time to her abdomen in different spots and said there is no sound at all. Her intestines just aren't working. Which isn't a huge concern in itself, it might just be from the throwing up etc., but combined with the diarrhea it's a little more worrying. He said not to give her any solids because she won't be able to digest anything anyway, it will just sit in her stomach until she throws it up again.

She has no symptoms of a viral illness other than the puking and fever. She has clear eyes, ears, no nasal discharge, no cough. Plus the fact that no one in our family or at the friend's house she puked at has caught a virus from her.

SO.

For right now, he is going to say that it is possibly just very bad luck - catching norovirus 3 weeks ago and now rotavirus (both = gastro in Oz terms.) That is a possibility.

BUT

he also said his gut doesn't say rotavirus, and I agree. It just doesn't add up to a typical rotavirus (or norovirus) infection; the vomiting for a week without a break, watery diarrhea still after a week or two and possibly blood in it, no runny nose or cough, no one else catching it. So, we are to watch her carefully all weekend. If she shows any signs of dehydration over the weekend, we are to take her to Children's Hospital ASAP and get her on an IV, because she has already lost so much weight. He faxed her chart to Children's already in case we need to go over the weekend. If she gets better over the weekend then it was rotavirus after all and no worries. If she is still sick on Monday, that's a week of throwing up, and he said that effectively rules out another viral illness - so we'd have to bring her to Children's Monday am for stool cultures (ick) and some more invasive testing. It could feasibly be a parasite, it is more likely a bacterial infection of the intestines, it could be something else entirely - who knows.

So now we're just HOPING it's rotavirus!

An infection of the intestinal tract killed my cousin He got sick when he was about Iris' age and stayed in the hospital for the next 6 years while more and more of his intestine was destroyed, until he died. So while I know an infection can likely be cured with some antibiotics and isn't a big deal, the possibility of that diagnosis takes my breath away with panic.

Poor bubby. I mostly hate not being able to do anything to make her feel better! Her stomach is cramping and she keeps trying to tell me that it hurts, crying and holding her stomach to show me. And there really isn't anything I can do. She pukes out her nose and everything when she does, it's really forceful, and so uncomfortable looking. And again, there's nothing I can do about it. Grumble.

Amy has been *fantastic* the past few days. Really, she has been a doll. She isn't getting any attention while we're fussing over Iris but she hasn't acted out at all. She is obeying and cleaning up and doing everything she can to help and I love her. Yesterday she took the hand vac out and cleaned the stairs and the couches for me She runs for towels when Iris throws up and helps change diapers and plays very gently with her. She hasn't even complained about missing the day at 'her school.' I'm trying to think of something special we can do with her this weekend to give her some one on one time and thank her for all her help.

I know I owe some emails *cough*Sam*cough*Heather*cough* and I'm sorry I'm a bit out of touch. As soon as I get more on top of things I'll try to be better about getting back to people. Please know in the meantime it's not because I don't love you, your friendship means the world to me!  

A friend passed along this very cool website today, and it bears repeating to as many who will listen!

TamPontification

Go visit and virtually donate. No real $$$ required to donate on the site. And if you are moved to do more, next time you're at Target or the grocery store buy an extra pack of pads or tampons and donate them to your local homeless shelter or women's shelter. They are desperately needed. No one thinks to provide them, and they are something that can't be done without. Women who are in crisis - either homeless or getting out of an abusive situation - need your help!