Bi And Large

The funeral is tonight and I'm having a hard time dealing. I woke up to more emails from Glen. The sadness is just overwhelming.

My dad called this morning - I haven't spoken to my parents in a week which is extremely unusual. I was (and am) so hurt by them refusing to let the girls stay with them a few days even though they have watched them before and everyone had a great time, and they had no plans this week. They told me I was being irresponsible by spending the money on a ticket to go to Sam's funeral and I said some friends were being extremely generous and helping me with the cost. They told me that was 'weird' and that I shouldn't accept it. Combined with the rude comments from my mother I'm just not in a happy place with them right now.

ANYWAY so dad called, and I was having a rough time, and he asked why I was so sad and I told him today was the funeral. He did say, "Oh sweetie I'm so sorry." But then he launched right into their plans for the day, and how my sister got a new apartment, and what they were planning to do with her room, and oh! they are coming out to visit in just 2 weeks and they can't WAIT to see the girls, they have all kinds of gifts purchased for them, and it sems like forever since they have seen them. I was biting my tongue to not say "well they could be at your house right now if you weren't being weird about the whole thing."

This is just so typical of my family and it is so frustrating. No negative feelings are ever allowed to be acknowledged. Death of your best friend? Better not dwell on it or even think about going to the funeral. Let's just talk about happier things and ignore it. I'm not allowed to be sad, or angry around them. Ever. Mom isn't either. I remember when she lost her vision when I was about 12. She was in a GREAT deal of pain and she was blind, hugely painful and frightening emotionally as well as physically. She just laid on the couch and sobbed. But any time someone came into the room she immediately sat up and smiled broadly and cheerfully said well, she was doing OK all things considered, and wasn't it nice how concerned people were about her, blah blah blah. No sadness allowed. Dad, of course, is allowed to have his fits of rage. A few weeks ago he backed into my sister's car in the driveway. He scratched his car and totalled hers. Complete wreck. He came inside and yelled at her for half an hour for parking in her own driveway. I'm really angry about the fact that I could be at the funeral today if my parents had just let the girls come be with them for a couple of days, which they all would have loved. But if I mention that I just get hushed and talked over, while they go on about what great and amazing grandparents they are to make themselves feel better.

Everyone there is living in some sort of crazy fantasy world. There's no reality to it. I get so tired of it and so tired of not being allowed to feel my own feelings. I hate that growing up that way means that I struggle with this as an adult and negative feelings are so hard for me to manage and I tend to hide them so well.

Anyway I'm just peeved this morning. Best grandparents ever. Won't watch their grandkids in an emergency mind you, but they will buy presents. Big high five for that. Ugh.

Here's what I wrote to be read from me at Sam's funeral. I believe Ruth is going to read for me, which is perfect. There is no one I would rather have be my voice at the funeral.

The coroners report came back today and told us that the cause of death wasn't a heart attack as we had believed, but a pulmonary embolism, a clot that probably formed in her leg and lodged in her lung. Which makes a bit more sense given that she had no history of heart disease, was so young and healthy, and had been laying in bed for 2 weeks with pneumonia. It also helps ease the worries and guilt a bit - we know that with a P.E., there really is nothing you can do. No amount of CPR or hope or anything short of actually being currently in surgery can really stop that from being fatal. There is no one to blame, it's just something that happened.

I am exhausted.

Ruth I did get your email, bless you, I need to write you back but I've been so turned around. I'll do so tonight, sorry I haven't yet! Love to you.

First of all, I love that you guys feel comfortable coming to my blog and saying hello and connecting via Sam. I was just saying to Glen tonight, she was a brilliant person. And, as such, she obviously had a way of surrounding herself with brilliant people!! I'd love to talk more. Thank you for your kindness and generosity towards me when you barely know me!

I just got off of a really long and REALLY healing phone call.

I rang Glen and Mum and it started out with Glen being all practical and putting up his stoic front of issues like services and loans due and people to call and after some time just dissolved into tears. And Mum was in tears. And I was in tears. And we all had a good cry together. And then you know what? We started talking and we started to laugh together. By the time we hung up we were sniffling happy tears and laughing real laughs. Like a big hug right through the phone. Mum who was a quivering mess when we started talking, ended up sharing some stories about Sam as a kid and by the time I hung up she was cackling and rolling. There were so many "I love you!"s. It was so nice.

I told them I planned on coming out later on and they said that would be perfect. Mum did hint that I should bring the girls, so I'll have to think about that one.

I should explain about later on... my online girlfriends, God love them for their big hearts, pooled their money and got together enough to buy me a plane ticket out there. They are VERY GOOD friends and I am so humbled by their generosity towards me. But I can't go right now, because I don't have anyone to watch the girls. Pete can't leave work since he started his new job Friday. I called and asked my parents, and they said NO (which is another argument altogether) so I'm stuck. So the current plan is, put the $ in savings, save as much as we can, and in a few more months when we can swing it we all go out to Oz. I can leave Pete and the girls in Newcastle with his family which they will love and I can go down to Melbourne and spend some time with Glen and Mum. Details to be worked out later.

The autopsy is being performed today. Results will be returned in about 10 days so we will know what happened. Her body will be released probably tomorrow, so a service is planned tenatively for the end of the week.

Glen said he had decided to keep the big house and ask Mum to move down with him. His words: "She's all I've got left of Sam." He and Sam worked on that house renovating it for a long time so there are so many fun memories in it. He says the thought of someone else living in HER HOUSE just makes him physically ill, so he decided to stay and bring Mum down, and just take things as they come.

Sam's sister, Mandy, died when she was 10 of cystic fibrosis. Sam was 8 when she died I think and it was a very big deal for her as you can imagine. In lieu of flowers they are asking that donations be made to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.

Sam, somewhat like myself had a habit of collecting pets. I think they currently have a dog, 2 cats, and 2 little kittens. The pets were never allowed in the bedroom. Glen said at night he just lets them all come pile up on the bed and it makes things so much better. Sam LOVED those pets and I know the 2 older cats she has had almost as long as I have known her. They are a part of who she is, so no small wonder they bring him comfort. Plus sometimes a warm body is a warm body!


In more mundane news, our washing machine has been broken since Wednesday, we are recycling clothes that you don't want to know about. The washing machine has lived a useful life. We bought it very very used for $100 when we were poor and first moved here in 2002. It is orange and brown. It needs to be replaced. We haven't replaced it yet because Pete and I can't seem to come to an agreement about washing machines - and since I am doing about 15 loads a week these days I'm not willing to acquiese and buy something I don't find comfortable to use, especially since he doesn't use it. We really need to figure it out and buy one though. We're starting to recycle the recycled stuff. Ew.


This weekend on Saturday I felt like crap emotionally so I took the dog for an hour's walk in the woods along the lake. It was beautiful and I felt a ton better after a walk. St Bernards are lovely dogs but not big on the excercise thing, I have discovered. She's happy with her 20 minute walk once a day. Anything past that she's like, oh hell no. About 3/4 of the way through she just laid down and looked at me like, "Why are you trying to kill me????"

Today I spent in the garden for the first time all year, barring my blueberries. I have been so apathetic about it. I completely revitalized the rose garden. It has beautiful blooming roses now in all shades and kinds. Shrub roses, a couple tea roses in explorer and easy elegance series, kordesaii, floribunda,a nearly wild. I have summer snapdragon in amongst the roses and morning glory winding its way against the garage and throwing curving tendrils everywhere. There is peppermint and chamomile and lemon balm. I replaced 2 roses that didn't survive the winter last year and pruned and tied and weeded. It looks like a fairy tale right now. That also made me feel a ton better.

So all in all, this weekend has been a success.

If I just had clean clothes to wear....

Ruth! I would LOVE to talk to you. PLEASE leave me an email address or phone number. You are just the person I want to talk to! I'm so glad you stopped by!  

Copy and Paste, sorry, but it's 4:30 am and I'm so drained.

I just rang her mum and she and I were just hysterical on the phone. Poor mum. Where is she going to go now? Glen can't afford to have her move in. I wonder if she would come out here and live with us. An option I suppose.

I also spoke to Glen (the partner / husband) and found out some more info.

I guess she has been getting quite a bit better recently after battling pneumonia on some new antibiotics so this is quite a surprise. She saw the doctor just yesterday and was perfectly healthy.

At 6:30am Glen was in bed and was woken up by a loud crash. He raced out in the hall to find Sam laying on her back unconscious in the hallway, having fallen over. She came to, and he helped her crawl back into bed. When he saw she wasn't immediately getting better, he called an ambulance. She got up, went to the toilet, came back to bed, and kept asking for the paramedics. They arrived and were trying to figure out what caused her to fall over when she had a heart attack. They laid her out and started working on her with the paddles when Glen (who is epileptic) went into a massive seizure. He also had to be taken to the hospital and he doesn't remember anything else.

The *theory* right now is that something about the infection or the medication gave her a hiccup in her heart rhythm. Who knows though. All I know is I can't be there and I want to be. These people are the family of my heart and I am so empty with Sam missing, like I know they are. I'm desperate to fill that painful hole by being closer to them.

Sometimes the Pacific Ocean sucks.

It's 2:40 in the morning. I can't sleep. I can't eat, I can't stop crying, but sometimes I don't feel anything. Just kind of confused and lost. Sometimes I feel sick, like I want to throw up.

The really sad thing is, if this was anything else, I would be calling Sam to help me deal with it. I keep feeling so crap and going to call or email her to feel better.

I miss her. I can't imagine what her Glen is going through. It makes me physically sick to think about it.

Pete's first day at his new job is tomorrow, and I didn't even remember until just now. I feel terrible about that. But everything is so upside down it amazes me that things like jobs and tomorrows even still exist, if that makes sense.

I'm just heart broken.

Sam died today.

Yes, Sam, my very very very good friend in Australia. Responsible for most of my hits on this blog. She up and died on me. Freak accident. I knew it was not good news when I got a 4am phone call from her s/o.

I can't get a handle on it. The emotions are just too strong. I have been crying on and off all day but when I'm not, I'm just confused. It's like my brain can't process it.

I can't afford to go to Australia. Pete's new job starts tomorrow and I can't take the kids with me. I don't know what TO do. I feel like a big part of my self is missing. I feel lost.

I just sent this email to my brother.

"I don't know if you remember but for Christmas and our anniversary and Pete's birthday you gave us a very generous gc to Target. We kind of hung out for a couple of months trying to decide what to buy. We finally settled on - what with the kids and all - a very nice Bissell hand held steamer / carpet cleaner thing. It is tiny but powerful, holds a gallon of solution, shoots steam out, scrubs, sucks and dries. I love it.

So fast forward to this morning. I wake up to Amy asking to go outside and work in the garden. It's supposed to be 100 degrees today so I say sure, take the dog with you. She is pretending to plant things in a bare patch of dirt. I hear her running the hose while I work on making them some breakfast. When I called them in, Amy and Charlotte... that would be the st bernard puppy who is very energetic and 100lbs already at 7 months... come running in COVERED in dripping black mud. I guess they made a big mud puddle and both just literally rolled around in it. They both come in all hyper and at least Amy stopped in the kitchen. Charlotte ran right into the good living room. With cream colored carpet. And a new cream colored couch. And she jumped and dripped and rolled on her back and jumped on the couch and rubbed her face into the carpet in joy at being so muddy.

All before coffee.

I normally might have just sat down and cried (if I could have even found a clean space to sit down) but because of you, I was able to get the dog locked in the bathroom (I gave her a shower later and she's all lovely fluffy clean now) without freaking out TOO much and whipped out the Bissell. It only took like 30 minutes to deep clean my entire good living room and it looks like nothing ever happened."

If you have kids, or dogs, or mud, or if you ever plan on having any of these things; I highly recommend getting a steam vac. Just to have on hand. Just in case. It's useful for potty training too.

I started to type an entry at least three times today and got sidetracked.

We had a lovely day, at least the afternoon. It was pleasantly warm today and sunny, and we went out in the yard. We had thunderstorms last night so everything has been watered and isn't as hard and dry as it has been. The girls were playing in the pool and swinging and I was checking email and catching up on phone calls in the backyard from my cmfy lawn chair in the shade. They had new cute beach towels and all was very nice. Amy went inside to pee and let Charlotte out by mistake and she was SO good. Played with the kids and had a riot of a time but when she wanted a break she just laid by my side in the shade and didn't go running off.

A bit later she tried to get in the pool to be with the girls. Her clumsy puppy paws slipped, she fell on the side of the pool, and let all the water out! She looked hysterical laying there on the ground with 200 gallons (that's 800L) of water rushing around her. I turned the sprinkler on low for the girls to run in, Amy tried to move it by pulling the hose and dragging it, and Charlotte immediately thought of a fun new game. So for an hour or so afterwards Charlotte would lay on the ground near the sprinkler, Amy would sneak closer to her, and suddenly Charlotte would leap up, grab the hose in her mouth near the sprinkler end, and chase Amy while aiming the cold water at her This was VERY amusing to watch. Eventually many of the neighbor kids got involved too and everyone laughed so hard. Charlotee is a smart dog! She very much enjoyed spraying the kids with water and the chase games. I wish I had been able to get a short video of it. Iris (who was in a swimsuit, let me just be clear) would run around yelling "RUNNING NAKED! RUNNING NAKED!" at the top of her lungs That's my girl! The game finally ended when Charlotte thought it would be funny to stick the sprinkler directly underneath my chair while I was typing. We were not amused!

Anyway now girls and puppy and thoroughly tired out and all asleep. I'm headed that way too. I have an awful crick in my neck that is pinching a nerve and making my shoulder all tingly and sore. I've taken a mersyndol which hasn't touched the pain, but I do feel sleepy! So time for bed.

Megan that's WONDERFUL news!!! I'm so happy!! Did you cry? I am grinning from ear to ear!

Greg dammit, if you're not peeing on my kitchen floor, you haven't had enough to drink. How was your trip? You must fill me in and we need to get together. You haven't gone passing out in showers recently have you?

Nothing much going on here. We've had a relaxing weekend after a relaxing week (Pete was off Tuesday and Wednesday for the 4th) and I'm trying to maintain the house and my crazy emotions and everything else. We've just had a good sized thunderstorm move through which is wonderful - we SO badly need the rain. Out here the weather changes are so dramatic. We went out around 2pm to watch the town parade as we do every year (fun fun fun!) It was 97F when we left. HOT and super muggy. We could see a storm moving across north of us, the sky was green and black, but it was only semi cloudy where we were. Suddenly the front moved through and these FIERCE winds hit like a train. They were cool winds too. A few minutes of blowing and suddenly, it wasn't hot and muggy any more. We walked home at 2:40 and the outside temp was 81F. 16 degrees in 40 minutes. By 3:30 it was 72F. 25 degrees difference - that's a lot - in an hour and a half. I LOVE when a frontal boundary crosses our area. In C it dropped from 37C to 22C in 90 minutes. You can feel it getting cooler. It's so neat!

I'm baking a broccoli quiche for dinner seeing as the BBQ I had planned was out, and tomorrow we start back into another week. I have so much cleaning to do. T and J arrive on Thursday to stay with us through Tuesday, and I need the house to be somewhat bearable by the time they get here. I have laundry and bathrooms and floors to do. On Thursday I was deep cleaning the carpets and my vacuum sucked up one of Amy's sandals without my noticing it (I was going backwards down the stairs with the vacuum behind me) and it snapped the fan belt, so I have to get the vacuum fixed before I can even clean the floors. And downstairs hasn't been vacuumed in a week. With two little kids, a hairy cat and a huge dog, a week is a verrrry long time to go.

Anyway off I go to be domestic. Cheers everyone!