Bi And Large

Just a quick note to let you all know I'm not ignoring you, or the blog, or anything.

I've been really sick with a crazy virus that makes it hard to breathe and I can't get rid of the fever. I feel like crap. So, sorry, but the blog gets pushed down my list of priorities and there isn't a whole lot I am up to dealing with right now other than sleep and taking care of myself. Because I am a big baby!!

Oh, next time you have a cold or flu - one of those ones with thick congestion, so your chest is squeezed for air and your head feels like a cement block on top of your neck, I highly recommend tissues with lotion AND eucalyptus oil in them. Big thumbs up from me. They help, and they make you feel better. Honest!

I have lots of deep and meaningful stuff to blog about. I'll get to it. Sure. After I get better and get caught up on the life I am currently neglecting.

Let me tell you how the day has gone so far. This is a pretty typical one around here, as most moms would agree with.

Those who know me well know that I am not a morning person. Looking more or less comatose is on a good day. It means I'm not screaming and crying because I can't function at that hour. So today I woke up - early - to Amy in the bedroom yelling at the dog ("but she wanted to chase the cat!") and then having a total meltdown because Pete, bless him, had put the recycling out and she had wanted to help. I managed to pull myself together and get her distracted into playing a game on my computer. That took a good 15 minutes to set up, install the one she wanted to play, read her the instructions, and make sure she understood what to do. I then worked on making coffee and peeing and generally waking up, in very short little increments between Amy's howls. "Mom, I need your help!" "Mom, I can't pass this level!" "Mom, I want to play a different game!" As if maing an arcade game work is at the top of my list of possible functions before coffee!

Eventually I got a mug of coffee in although most of it was cold by the time I got to drink it. I went to make breakfast for Amy and found we had no milk. Yay for frozen waffles. I had her help me make some and paired them with yogurt and OJ. She ate about 3 bites. Meanwhile Iris woke up, so I ran downstairs to get her up and changed. She then requires breakfast ASAP so I made her the same brekky. She ate 2 bites of waffle but asked for 3 containers of yogurt. She probably ate 2 of them. The third was smeared all over the table. She tore the rest of her waffle up into little bits and shoved it into an empty yogurt container and poured some OJ on it and attempted to drink her breakfast. This was very very messy.

While this was going on I had opened up my laptop to find some phone numbers. It automatically connects me to a chat program so I was having a conversation with Glen in bits when I could. I found the numbers I needed, and made some calls. I made an appointment at the vet, organized a time for Amy to go in and meet her new teacher and find her cubby, called to ask about repairing my glasses that Iris broke last night, and made some doctor appointments. I got Amy dressed too. She picked out the clothes, I approved them and helped her get everything on correctly. It started to thunder outside. I grabbed the girl's raincoats and put them by the garage door. I got into a groove where I would walk in a circle: Stop at the laptop in the living room, talk to Amy at the stairs, wipe some of the goo off of Iris, write an appointment on the celendar, repeat. All with the phone on my ear.

I got Iris wiped clean, out of her messy pajamas and into clean clothes. I sprayed and sponged down the table and her chair. I looked at the floor and decided I didn't have time to fight with the crazy slate unsealed mess right now - after all, this is why I bought a dog. Speaking of the dog, I let her out once the storms had passed (Pete walked her earlier) and made sure she had a quick brush as she's shedding like crazy and I don't love the fur all over the house. The girls decide they are going to paint and use stamps, so they both chime in this constant string of requests for paper, paints, brushes, and glasses of water. And to admire each of their creations of course. I turned on some kids music and let them go to it while I real quick speed-loaded the dishwasher and threw on a load of laundry. I threw on myself some clean clothes, brushed my hair and teeth and wished I had time for a decent shower. I somehow managed to herd both children into the garage, with coats and shoes, and then herd the dog back out of the garage. It took 10 minutes to get both of them settled in their respective carseats, strapped in safely, and happy with a toy or book in hand and CD playing. Big sigh and pull out... it's 11:00 already.

I was headed to do some grocery shopping as today is payday when I got halfway up the freeway and started to feel sick. I remembered I hadn't eaten anything today. I stopped the next place that I could find, which turned out to be a donut shop. Not real good for anyone, but whatever. Unload everyone from the car, go inside and watch them make donuts for a while, go through the rigamorale of picking one, eat said donuts with milk, which takes the girls about a gazillion years. Now they are incredibly messy. Herd them both to the bathroom, send Amy to use the potty, and wash their faces and hands in a teeny tiny little sink that is up so high I have to balance Iris on one hip while I wash her off. Good times.

Then I noticed I was out of gas / petrol, so we filled the tank too. By this time we're all exhausted and we don't have any groceries yet. Get to the store, unload kids and get them safely through the parking lot and organized with a cart, and speed shop through the store picking up only what I can barely slow down to throw in the cart or the kids go nuts. Cat food, vacuum bags, diapers, laundry soap, bread, peanut butter, cereal, cheese. I didn't forget milk! We finally make it to the checkout with the girls whining the entire way and I spent $200. Ack. Well, we needed the groceries. Pack up, get back to the car, lock the girls in while I load groceries in the back and they fight over a doll. I hand them both a snack and head home. It's 1:45pm by now.

At home I unload both girls, get their shoes and coats off, and get them settled with the tv on for 15 minutes while I put away my carload of groceries and throw some lunch together, all with a 120lb dog under my feet trying to show me how much she missed me. We have a quick lunch, Iris has a diaper change, and I attempt to get her to sleep. It is a very long process today as she's all wound up and overtired. Ages later I try to get Amy to take a rest on the couch but she is too excited to go out and play with a friend. I wrestle her coat and shoes BACK on her and send her out. I have a few minutes to vacuum the floor upstairs and grab a glass of milk, which will count as my lunch. I sent an email and am writing this entry now. In 7 minutes I have to wake up Iris, change her again, organize a healthy and mobile snack for both of them, and load them and the dog back in the car. We have to drive in rush hour traffic up to the vet's for some shots, where we will meet Pete. Then back home and I've got no idea what I am making for dinner tonight. Clean up from that, bath and bedtime for the girls, and sometime in there I have a few more loads of laundry to do. Crash out, sleep (oh, I should change our sheets before we sleep) and start the whole thing over again tomorrow.

I love my life. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade this for anything and I really struggle to handle the demands of working out of the home based on previous experience. But I am exhausted. And the thing about it, as I was saying to Glen this afternoon, is it is never ending. And not only that, you get no sense of tangible accomplishment out of it. It's not like you have a project that you can work on completing and presenting to a client. There's no boss to tell you you did a great job on that presentation or you sold the most widgets this month or anything like that. If you do a great job, all you get is more of the same tomorrow. On and on and on without ending. And if you slack, the household falls apart. There's no lunch breaks and no sick days. No prizes and no gold watches and no employee-of-the-month. Just the same stuff done over and over again.

While I was typing that last sentence Amy came over asking for help with something and when I asked her to wait until I was done typing she got bored, tried to do something gymnastic on the couch, fell off, and landed on the computer. Killing my screen. Must not scream. Sigh. But I have awesome kids, I really do. They are sweet and smart and polite and I love spending time with them. I'm just having one of those days where I feel discouraged and I can't wait until they're in school!

Did I mention I have a cold? Oh yeah. I'm loving the things I make my body acheive today.

We're all down with icky colds at the moment.

Headaches, runny noses, and fevers. Gotta love the change of seasons!

More interesting posts will happen, I am sure, when I am coherent enough to write them.

I followed your links and read through your site. What compassionate and outstanding stuff!

Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment here. It's very much appreciated.

Usually, I spend my entire summer dreading the approach of autumn. Like a residual habit from school days, I always am counting down at the back of my mind. Every joyful summer day spent laying in the sun or playing in the sprinkler is hedged by a tiny voice deep underneath: how many days of this left? I spend the end of summer feeling anxious and sad about autumn coming on so quickly and the long winter ahead when I know I will miss green grass under my toes, sunhine on my bare arms, running water.

But then, as it does every year, autumn actually arrives and I find myself slowly, subconsciously, grudgingly seduced. The color in my young sugar maple tree is outstanding. Pumpkins for sale at the grocery store make me smile in their smooth anticipation of being turned to jack o' lanterns. We can walk to the park and play hard without laying in the shade gasping for ice water and feeling sweaty and crabby. No frost yet and the graden is magnificent with everything giving a last hurrah of bloom and color while the trees turn as well but the lawn stays green. It's outstanding to look at, even more color than the brilliant spring. Around here bonfires this time of year are common and there is a continual charming tickling smell of woodsmoke in the air. With the windows open for the fresh breeze it comes in along with this constant laughing snapping sound. Evenings are still light long enough to play outdoors after dinner and cool enough to enjoy it. All the neighbors come out and we celebrate the change of season together. Sweaters get unpacked and new bags of hand me downs get exchanged for the new school year. The girls look adorable in bright sweaters, hoods, dresses with tights. Nights with the windows open are cool, almost cold, and snuggling under the down comforter feels deliciously cozy again. Everyone even seems to be pleased to go to bed these days when it's actually dark outside instead of sunlight beaming through the curtains at 10pm. We feel calm and settled and content.

I am OK with this.

It's about 7:15pm on a summer evening here. It's warm, but there's a bit of a breeze and it's comfortable outside. The lawns are all mowed and we have plenty of space out in the yard. Dinner dishes are getting washed, parents are loking through the first stacks of paperwork to come home from school. I've already been solicited to buy a coupon book to support a local elementary.

I walk out on the back deck to the sound of shouts and laughter (over the drone of a lawnmower in the background) and Pete is out there with about 9 kids, ranging in age from Iris to 11 years old. He has the cricket set out, and he's teaching them all how to play cricket with an old tennis ball. Everyone, even Iris, gets a turn at bat and everyone gets a turn to bowl and they're all having a riot chasing the ball. Charlotte is out too and every time someone hits or throws the ball she does her best to chase it down.

Other than Amy, who picked it up over Christmas, none of the kids really knows the rules of cricket well. So Pete is instructing as he goes along. It doesn't matter anyway - they're having a great time.

The next door neighbour's 8 year old just scored 18 runs when he hit the tennis ball on a fluke into the opposite neighbour's pool and it had to be fished out!

It's a very pleasant scene and it's soothing to hear. I wouldn't trade where we live for a million dollars.

I saw this written today and I immediately thought of you, Glen. It made me almost laugh in parts because it was so true.

What a bizarre and difficult experience to go through. I'm so glad we have each other. It's not so scary if we're not alone.

The Agony of Grief

Grief is a tidal wave that overtakes you,
smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,
sweeps you up into its darkness,
where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,
only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped.
Grief means not being able to read more than two sentences at a time.
It is walking into rooms with intention that suddenly vanishes.
Grief is three o'clock in the morning sweats that won't stop.
It is dreadful Sundays, Mondays that are no better.
It makes you look for a face in the crowd, 
knowing full well the face we want cannot be found in that crowd.
Grief is utter aloneness that razes the rational mind
and makes room for the phantasmagoric.
It makes you suddenly get up and leave in the middle of a meeting,
without saying a word.
Grief makes what others think of you moot.
It shears away the masks of normal life
and forces brutal honesty out of your mouth
before propriety can stop you.
It shoves away friends,
scares away so-called friends,
and rewrites address books for you.
Grief makes you laugh at people who cry over spilled milk,
right to their faces.
It tells the world that you are untouchable
at the very moment when touch
is the only contact that might reach you.
It makes lepers out of upstanding citizens.
Grief discriminates against no one.
It kills. Maims. And cripples.
It is the ashes from which the phoenix rises,
and the mettle of rebirth.
It returns life to the living dead.
It teaches that there is nothing absolutely true or untrue.
It assures the living that we know nothing for certain.
It humbles. It shrouds. It blackens. It enlightens.
Grief will make a new person out of you,
if it doesn't kill you in the making.

— Stephanie Ericsson
in Companion Through The Darkness: Inner Dialogues on Grief

What the hell do we get Labor Day off for, anyway? Oh well, no complaints here.

We had a relaxing fun day. Slept in, all of us, which is always a plus! An area close to us has a great, enormous indoor playground. Like 3 stories tall indoor playground including a 30 foot high twisty tube slide, and a couple of ball pits, and so on. So we slept in and then spent the day there letting the kids get some energy out. They had a GREAT time! Iris climbed all the way to the top too and came down the giant 30ft slide, I was so proud of her! For being only 18 months she acts so much older than she is sometimes.

She's always been kind of eager to grow up and a bit independant, never one to cuddle. Well tonight after dinner I was crashed out on the couch and she came and laid on my chest with her head tucked under my chin and let me rub her back for a long time. She kept saying, "Love you, mama!" She never lets me do that, and the feeling of her close to my heart and the smell of her hair is just intoxicating. What a beautiful little girl.

We hit TJ's on the way home to do some grocery shopping and Amy begged for taquitos for dinner so that's what we did, and Trader Joe's makes some damn fine frozen mexican food I tell you. We had big plates of taquitos and mini soft taco rolls with fresh salsa and guacamole. It was a great way to end the day together!

Now I am facing the rest of the week ahead with all its laundry and dishes and vacuuming and thinking, ugh! At least we had a bit of a restful weekend to replenish a bit. I so enjoy spending time with my family. We all seem to do better when we're together. It was nice to have a long weekend to do so.

As I write the title I'm reminded that my entire life seems divided into Before and After these days, Hm. But that's a different discussion for another time.

Some truly amazing photos, documenting hurricane katrina. I distinctly remember blogging about the storm here, waiting for it to hit, panicked and amazed that no one seemed to be taking it more seriously. These photos are amazing. They are taken of the same locations right before the storm, right after the storm, and today.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20364536?GT1=10357GT1=10357