Bi And Large

I can't sleep. I've been having increasing trouble with sleep the past few weeks, but it is getting out of hand. It's 6:30am and I haven't slept yet... nor am I tired. If I tried to go to bed, I would end up laying there being physically uncomfortable, and mentally with my mind revving up faster and faster without any drag to slow it down, until I am crawling out of my skin. No thanks. I have just finished cleaning the kitchen, on the idea that since I am awake anyway I might as well make myself useful. I am sanitizing sponges as we speak. Before that I did some research and came up with a list of doctors that I need to call and get in to see. And yes, rest assured, one of those doctors is my psych. I feel worried and on edge and teary. That feeling, overwhelmed by life, doesn't go away. And unlike all the lovely advice out there about bipolar, these manic symptoms don't come with good emotions for me. It's always a mixed episode, always this kind of irritability and energy and inability to relax combined with sad, hopeless, and dark thoughts. Death preoccupies me, sneaks into otherwise normal conversations and thoughts, in the middle of a lovely day or outing I will suddenly find myself planning my funeral or imagining life as a survivor to my own children. It comes out of nowhere, intrusive, aggravating. When things are at the very worst - and the past day or two they have been there - I hallucinate. I see things out of the corner of my eyes, see things that disappear when I look squarely at them, see solid objects move. I hear background noise and music that isn't really there. It isn't especially bothersome in itself, but I worry about it. I don't like to be crazy, and I don't want my kids to bear the effects of me being crazy. I'm weary of dealing with it.

We've had a few days of snow recently and the bitter cold has settled in again. I heard by the end of the week our high temps during the day won't even crack zero. Ouch. Still it's beautiful, with brilliant blue skies that look like you could swim through them, and sunshine coming all directions from above and reflected off the snow and ice below. Sunny winter days when we've had ice feel like being on the inside of a diamond.

Sometimes I'm so unbearably lonely I feel like it will crush me. I will implode and become a nothing you can't see or hear or touch. I would blow away like dust into the air and become a part of everything, all around you unseen and unfelt and unnoticed.

Sometimes that sounds preferable to being trapped where I am.

We made it home, safely and soundly!

Now to sleep and try to force a schedule back on. More about the wonderful trip, and my crazy-pants mother, when I get a chance in the next couple of days!!

We're headed home to the ice and snow and the land of running my own household!

I'm finishing up packing, we leave tomorrow (Wednesday) late morning, and get home sometime after midnight. *blink* Yayyyyyyyy. Way fun by my fat self with 7394726402 bags of Christmas gear to lug back, a 4 year old and a 33lb 2 year old on my lap. Good times. Wish me luck!

I bet if you used the blogarithm thing you were wondering if it was broken because I never updated, huh? Well I am now. I forget how crazy things can get around here and how busy I end up trying to see everyone and manage the kids all at once. We've all had colds too (of course!) so blogging has been low on my list of priorities I am afraid. We've been having a great time - went to the aquarium, went to the zoo, went to the beach, saw heaps of friends and family, and spent many happy afternoons running around the park in the sunshine feeding the birds, swinging, climbing, sliding and making new friends. It has been lovely! Just busy. I'll try to get a full recap to you when we get home.

In the meantime, how about a neat-o link that a friend on a message board I frequent shared? It's a tutorial for taking your leftover plastic shopping bags, fusing them together with an iron, and making sheets of thicker plastic which can be sewn like fabric to make reusable totes, purses, makeup cases, curtains, coasters, whatever. Kind of cool, edgy, crafty, and definitely green. Have fun!

http://etsylabs.blogspot.com/2007/05/long-overdue-fusing-...