Bi And Large

OK one of my favorite blogs out there is called the Weighting Game, a blog mostly to deal with women's body image. It's HILARIOUS and I love it. Today's entry features a video clip that had me peeing my pants laughing, about the marketing of yogurt to women. Seriously, go take a look. You'll get a giggle, I promise! It possibly is funnier if you live in the US and know these commercials, but even if you're in Oz (or elsewhere) it's very... erm, true.

http://theweightinggame.ivillage.com/dietfitness/2008/05/...

OK that was a long silence. I apologize - I had stuff to work on.

I am trying to think about what I can catch you all up on. It's really hard when I have gone for a while without blogging!

Pete has moved back in, although he is sleeping on the couch. I am - for now - satisfied that the porn is not a problem. I'm still very very angry about a lot of things. I think we have a lot of work to do to balance out our relationship a bit better. We need a lot of counselling. I wavered for several months about whether to divorce him or not, and finally decided that if I did, I would have to work with him to settle custody issues, financial issues, and so forth. Not to mention working at playing nicely together the rest of our lives during holidays and weddings and everything else. So given that was the case, I might as well work with him while we were still married, and get the benefits of marriage while I did it. I am confident that was the right decision, but he is on thin ice with me. I was surprised by how much I actually enjoyed our time apart and the peace it brought to our home, so now I know I am not afraid of going that route if I need to again. STILL, things between us are stable, and they are improving I think. We have spent quite a lot of time together the past few weekends and for the most part it has been enjoyable. So, there's that.

Spring is here. The gardens are in, things are in bloom. My bulbs are about done for the year already, the blueberries have bloomed, the lilacs are about to. I helped the girls plant their own veggie garden lat weekend with everything from flowers and strawberries to broccoli and peas. Amy is going to graduate from Pre-K next week, I can't believe it!! In the fall Iris will start preschool and Amy will be in kindergarten. Didn't that go fast? Doesn't it seem like I just HAD Iris? For that matter doesn't it seem like I just had Amy? The days are going by faster and faster with those two.

A couple weeks ago we went to Disneyland with my whole family - mom, dad, Zack, Emmy and Kysa - to celebrate my mom's 60th birthday for a week. It was fun, but exhausting! I have cute pictures. In fact I need to update all the pictures here. I'll work on doing that in the next couple of days. On of the nicest things about the trip was getting to connect with Emmy, my sister-in-law. Zack has not outgrown his alcoholism, nor has he accepted that it is a problem, and it has caused him to lose his license permanently and to spend some time both in court and in jail (for drunk driving.) Despite that he's still drinking. She is thinking about divorcing him, even though she loves him desperately, because that's no kind of life to live. We have a lot in common. We were able to talk and we have been keeping up with that and trying to support each other. I'm sorry she is going through it, bu if she has to be I'm glad we have each other to lean on.

We had tornadoes here on Sunday. Not close to our home but close to where we were, at the zoo. I think our house got a big storm cell with some hail and high winds, and there was a tornado just north of us that caused damage but no fatalities. But further East, where we were at the zoo, it was harder. We packed up the sleepy kids after a day of blue sky and walked out to see a HUGE black cloud and said it looked ominous. We turned on the car and it was full of those emergency beeps. We drove home through some hail. And then we found out later that less than 20 miles from where we had been standing, a tornado destroyed the suburb and killed a 2 year old. Tornadoes move fast. It could just as easily have been us. The family had a 4 year old, kids same as us - she was found under a collapsed wall not breathng but neighbors revived her with CPR. It breaks my heart. Why them and not us? It's not like we were in a basement or even a ditch for protection, we were out walking or in the car. A little to the south and it could just as easily have been my girls. It's shaken me.

ANYWAY that is all us getting caught up. Now I am off to get the dog spayed and the house picked up and the toddler entertained. I've missed you all.

Just when I think things are stable, when I feel like I have my feet under me, when Amy stops wetting the bed so much and having so many nightmares. Just when I start to think that possibly, given the right efforts and the right resources, we might be able to build some kind of new, working relationship,

I find that he is lying to me again.

Fuck THAT.

What I find most laughable is that this isn't the first time, there have been repeated experiences of betrayal and hurt, and when I point out that I don't trust him he acts all wounded and offended and surprised. Whatever. So NOT my problem any more. I've wasted too many years on an addict who has no motivation to change and I'm not about to continue wasting them on a known liar. I deserve far better.