Bi And Large

If you've been following along with our lives lately, you know that money has been really tight. We are getting particularly screwed by the cost of daycare, so much so that I am losing several hundred dollars each month by going to work. Part of that is because Amy is in all day kinder, and we would probably have Iris in some form of preschool anyway for the academic and social aspects, but even so. The full time thing for both girls is sucking us dry. So, we have been in the process of hiring someone to be at the house over summer rather than send the kids to daycare. Which will save us about a gazillion dollars.

I'm at the stage where I have a couple of applicants for the position that I like best, and I have been calling references and looking them up online and things like that. And tonight, I found out via an old blog that the girl I think I am most likely to hire was at one time an anorexic and a bulemic. She seems like a smart chick, and sweet and kind, and I am really sorry she struggled with an ED. It doesn't make any difference as far as hiring goes, obviously.

BUT

It poses a bit of a tricky situation when it comes to our relationship and how to navigate that, especially the first few meetings. In case you haven't noticed, I'm fat. And not just a little BBW kind of plump, I'm super-sized. So it leaves me wondering: Will my size be a trigger for her? Will just being exposed to me set her off and make her uncomfortable? For many recovering ED chicks, I am literally a walking manifestation of their deepest fears. Will that be the case for her, will she find it too difficult to be in our home because of it? Or on the flip side will she be critical, will she lash out instead? The one morning I leave breakfast dishes in the sink will she think, "A-HA! I always KNEW fat people were lazy!" and declare all her negative suppositions about obesity confirmed? Is it something that I can gently address, or is it still too sensitive a spot? Food becomes an issue, feeding the kids becomes emotionally charged.

It's so tricky, navigating stuff like this between women. And really, it shouldn't be. We're adults, we're educated and sane and kind compassionate generous people who want to work together. But eating is so... underground. We don't talk about it, don't talk about how we really feel about it and our bodies, don't talk about the late night binges or the rules we make up or how we really see ourselves, because it's just too scary and we are too vulnerable. I guarantee you, every woman out there has issues when it comes to food and eating and body. Some more severe than others. But we work so hard at pretending we don't, that we're just fine, and we don't ever mention those scary thoughts. Huge social taboo. So, you have to work around them without ever coming close to those issues in conversation, and it makes things like this tricky. It's a balancing act for sure.