Bi And Large

Another quiet period from me. We've all bee sick, and I am still flat-out at work. I likely will be for at least another week and a half, too. The good news is, I talked to my boss about going back to part time hours after my coworker gets back from surgery, and he has agreed. They've hired another girl who is nice and also way competent, hallelujah. So we are planning on splitting my shift and giving her half if she wants to stay on. Light at the end of the tunnel.

Now then.

If you read the news, I'm sure you know of United Airline's recent move to start charging fat people double for airfare. (And if you aren't, just do a quick search, you'll find it all over.) Now, this isn't a huge shock. Other airlines have had similar policies on the hush hush for years although they were rarely implemented. This just is getting a lot of press this time around. Am I shocked by it? No. Am I saddened by it? Sure. One more airline to cross off my list of 'companies I will spend money with,' and we fly fairly often too. AND I even liked United. Oh well.

I do keep up with discussion of this kind of thing around the internet, in different venues, and some of the many many comments I have read recently have just... well they have just brought me to my knees. Period. Again the hurtful and unwarranted commentary is expected, I knew that would be out there. But for some reason the level of it this time around seems increased, and I have had a hard time dealing with it. Yeah, I know, I know already - you normal people out there find me disgusting, revolting, and god forbid you might accidently touch me when we're seated together in public transportation. It's sooo horrible. Slobs, Fatsos bringing down the plane, shoveling food in, sickening to look at and worse to be so close to, inconsiderate of themselves and other people's comfort, and of course the comments about how fat people smell. Many descriptions of nightmare plane flights being seated next to 'fat smelly lards.' Wah. All actual phrases used, btw. Good to know I'm thought so highly of by people who have never met me and have no idea what I go through on a daily basis.

Also this week, I sat down and did a food diary, and when I actually averaged out my daily calories you know what I came up with? I average 920 calories a day. So that realization combined with having the world's hate-fest on me thrown in my face has left me unbearably frustrated and angry and bitter and hopeless. I get that people seem to believe I am throwing down super-sized big macs all day long, but the truth is I am eating a handful of snap peas or mushrooms now and then. Doctors tell me to lose weight like I have never considered the idea before. (Really? How novel! You mean I could have a normal life? I'll have to try that!) Strangers, family, physicians, all tell me to 'just eat less,' trotting out the old weathered equation they love to fall back on that 3500 calories = one pound of fat so if I am obese I simply MUST be eating all these calories somewhere. When I have the audacity to try and explain I'm not eating 5,000 calories a day they get angry and tell me I am lying. It is hopeless. So what do I have to look forward to? I can't change it. I can keep doing what I am doing, eating well and exercising and keep myself healthy, but I will always have people hating me and calling me names and thinking those kinds of things about me, even if they don't always say them out loud. I'll always be less than, to compensate for my body taking up so much more than allotted. Always.

Then this whole crisis of self esteem and being unsure about who I am and whether or not I fit into the world anywhere and what value I have to anyone has brought all of my well-concealed issues within my marriage to the surface and that is hard to manage for me. I have no right to complain, and I know that. I gave things a great deal of thought, I made my choice, and here I am. But I am still sad about it sometimes, and this is one of those times. Feeling so attacked and unsure, and not having the security of any kind of intimacy to fall back on at home, has been very difficult. In my home life where I should (hopefully) be able to find value and comfort I just find reminders that here too I am unwanted and isolated, and that has been hard. Things aren't bad. There's no tension, no fighting, everything is as good as I could hope for. But the sadness and resentment I feel about the lack of a partner is somehow all wrapped up in the sadness and anger and very deep hurt over years of being treated like a terrible person because of how I look, because of my illnesses. I'm not a happy girl right now, and life isn't fair.