Bi And Large

Yesterday, OMG. Typical patient load for a full day at our office is 8 - 9 patients in a day, depending on the length of their visit. Yesterday I saw and treated SIXTEEN people. And not short visits either, mostly full length visits with shorter ones packed all around them. I was flat out running, all overlapping visits, no break. No lunch, always behind, no bathroom break, just running from one to the next trying to keep up. It was insane. And today I am wiped out! Luckily Fridays are an off day, so I can use the day to just recover.

I am grateful that my boss was agreeable to me going back to part time hours after my coworker gets back, because the full time craziness is hard for me to handle. However, I have been offered 2 full time days, and that is hard. I would much rather do a full week of part time days. The long days are what wipes me out and what I am trying to avoid. I don't want to complain, because 1) I am lucky to have a job, I know; and a job that I enjoy at that. and 2) because my work was awesome to just say 'sure' when I asked about going part time and to accomodate that for me. But 2 full time days is kind of the worst of both worlds. I will still have the problem with being completely wiped out and overstimulated / overwhelmed / overtired by the full on day of running, and it will mean that I need to take 2 days out of the rest of the week as 'recovery' days to get my self and abilities back after each day. My kids will still be struggling with the effects of long days, and part of what I was trying to avoid was getting Iris up so early and being away from them for quite so many hours at a time. And then really, 2 days a week is like, 16 hours a week. That's REALLY part time, and pretty much no pay. So while it is great that I will get to drop my hours, the solution offered is not exactly what I had in mind. I'll still be struggling and all we will gain really is less income.

ANYWAY I am being positive today! It is a beautiful spring day, and I am home with my girls (well, once Amy gets home from school) and we are headed to the dog park before thunderstorms roll in later this afternoon. The grass is green, my hyacinths are blooming in the front yard making everything smell sweet, I can have all the windows open. I am glad to be here!

Another quiet period from me. We've all bee sick, and I am still flat-out at work. I likely will be for at least another week and a half, too. The good news is, I talked to my boss about going back to part time hours after my coworker gets back from surgery, and he has agreed. They've hired another girl who is nice and also way competent, hallelujah. So we are planning on splitting my shift and giving her half if she wants to stay on. Light at the end of the tunnel.

Now then.

If you read the news, I'm sure you know of United Airline's recent move to start charging fat people double for airfare. (And if you aren't, just do a quick search, you'll find it all over.) Now, this isn't a huge shock. Other airlines have had similar policies on the hush hush for years although they were rarely implemented. This just is getting a lot of press this time around. Am I shocked by it? No. Am I saddened by it? Sure. One more airline to cross off my list of 'companies I will spend money with,' and we fly fairly often too. AND I even liked United. Oh well.

I do keep up with discussion of this kind of thing around the internet, in different venues, and some of the many many comments I have read recently have just... well they have just brought me to my knees. Period. Again the hurtful and unwarranted commentary is expected, I knew that would be out there. But for some reason the level of it this time around seems increased, and I have had a hard time dealing with it. Yeah, I know, I know already - you normal people out there find me disgusting, revolting, and god forbid you might accidently touch me when we're seated together in public transportation. It's sooo horrible. Slobs, Fatsos bringing down the plane, shoveling food in, sickening to look at and worse to be so close to, inconsiderate of themselves and other people's comfort, and of course the comments about how fat people smell. Many descriptions of nightmare plane flights being seated next to 'fat smelly lards.' Wah. All actual phrases used, btw. Good to know I'm thought so highly of by people who have never met me and have no idea what I go through on a daily basis.

Also this week, I sat down and did a food diary, and when I actually averaged out my daily calories you know what I came up with? I average 920 calories a day. So that realization combined with having the world's hate-fest on me thrown in my face has left me unbearably frustrated and angry and bitter and hopeless. I get that people seem to believe I am throwing down super-sized big macs all day long, but the truth is I am eating a handful of snap peas or mushrooms now and then. Doctors tell me to lose weight like I have never considered the idea before. (Really? How novel! You mean I could have a normal life? I'll have to try that!) Strangers, family, physicians, all tell me to 'just eat less,' trotting out the old weathered equation they love to fall back on that 3500 calories = one pound of fat so if I am obese I simply MUST be eating all these calories somewhere. When I have the audacity to try and explain I'm not eating 5,000 calories a day they get angry and tell me I am lying. It is hopeless. So what do I have to look forward to? I can't change it. I can keep doing what I am doing, eating well and exercising and keep myself healthy, but I will always have people hating me and calling me names and thinking those kinds of things about me, even if they don't always say them out loud. I'll always be less than, to compensate for my body taking up so much more than allotted. Always.

Then this whole crisis of self esteem and being unsure about who I am and whether or not I fit into the world anywhere and what value I have to anyone has brought all of my well-concealed issues within my marriage to the surface and that is hard to manage for me. I have no right to complain, and I know that. I gave things a great deal of thought, I made my choice, and here I am. But I am still sad about it sometimes, and this is one of those times. Feeling so attacked and unsure, and not having the security of any kind of intimacy to fall back on at home, has been very difficult. In my home life where I should (hopefully) be able to find value and comfort I just find reminders that here too I am unwanted and isolated, and that has been hard. Things aren't bad. There's no tension, no fighting, everything is as good as I could hope for. But the sadness and resentment I feel about the lack of a partner is somehow all wrapped up in the sadness and anger and very deep hurt over years of being treated like a terrible person because of how I look, because of my illnesses. I'm not a happy girl right now, and life isn't fair.

Congrats to Heather of Mommy Mania, who correctly guessed that the rest stop in question was the one off I-94 at Middle Spunk! There is a photo in my album of other stuff.

If you are not familiar with Middle Spunk (as I was not, before our last road trip) apparently there is a lake NW of here, by the town of Avon, called Middle Spunk Lake. There's also a Lower Spunk Lake, and (my favorite) a Big Spunk Lake. Middle Spunk and Big Spunk are connected by - you guessed it - Spunk Creek. Drip, drip. Don't drink the water.

And don't take my word for it. There is a decent map here, if my link works, or just google it. Apparently, the fishing is good. Who knew!

Happy Easter (or Passover, or spring solstice, or whatever it is you celebrate) to everyone!

Despite having no family in the area, and despite me being off my zoloft for a few days due to a refill snafu and being just a few eggs short of a basket, we managed a really fun day. The Easter bunny came to our house of course, and we all made it to church where the girls looked clean and cute and well presented. We got so many compliments on them. Pastor Andy actually gave a great sermon that tied things in for me when I wasn't feeling to keen on belief and totally not motivated to go to church, I was pleasantly surprised. We couldn't find anyplace open to get some brunch and ended up at a Jewish deli - what a riot! We had a great time and good food. Then there were egg hunts. The girls found all their eggs (plastic, containing toys) and then they went outside and hid all the dyed eggs for Pete and I to find. Which was very cute and very fun, except that Charlotte was outside too and she thought it was a great game that the girls were walking around hiding these snacks for her. So she ate some. Whatever, it was fun.

Now back to another super long, super draining work week. I am not loving the full time hours. I am just not able to do it except in short sprints, I'm not. I would love to be able to. I love my work. But for whatever reason, I can't. I need to let my boss know that I just can't. It's killing me. There are a lot of people out there who would love my extra hours so hey, let's let them have them and me have the time and everyone is happy.

NOW then.

I updated all the photos of the girls since I had new ones of the trip and Amy's tooth and Easter and all. I know a while ago the slideshow thing wasn't working but I just checked and it seems to be on again - whatever. I will leave you to figure it out.

While you are browsing, you get bonus points and a mention here for being the first person to comment or email me, if you figure out my new favorite rest stop in America. I lol'd. That's hard to do when you've been stuck in a car for a long time with little kids.

ETA: I just went and looked again - something is still wrong w/ albums. It's not the slideshow that's broken; that's the only thing that works. Clicking on a specific image from the gallery, any gallery, gives you a broken link for some reason. Slideshow works though. Apologies from the management.

I wrote this elsewhere recently as a response to the question of whether or not backyard gardening was a good way to cut grocery costs:

Growing your own veggies is incredibly rewarding. I would recommend it to anyone! We have about 1/2 of an acre and we grow everything from tomatoes and cukes to raspberries and blueberries, melons, eggplant, apples, calendula and chamomile. It's one of my favorite things about summer!

HOWEVER...

Growing your own edibles in a garden is neither cheap nor easy. You will save a ton more money buying fresh organic locally grown stuff (that tastes just as good as homegrown) at the farmers market than you will ever save by growing it yourself. A couple containers on the balcony are relatively cheap, sure - but you're going to get maybe a half dozen tomatoes over the course of the summer from them. The investment of $20 - $30 you put into pots and soil and plants and trowel and fertilizer and a watering can (unless you need to spend more on pesticide or fungicide, if you run into a problem with those) is going to yield about $4 worth of tomatoes. If you dig out an actual plot in the soil, it's scaled up again. Topsoil, good tools, stakes, mulch, quality plants, watering systems, peat manure and compost, all these things cost a LOT of money. And it takes a lot of your time and effort, every day, all growing season. Let the weeds get the upper hand just once, and you're lost.

Is it worth it? A resounding yes! I love to garden, and again I would suggest anyone try it. It is so rewarding and really fun. It feeds your soul. But I wouldn't suggest it as a money-saving technique. Like any hobby, you'll find more ways to spend money on it than you ever dreamed.

We are back safely, a good time was had by all, I highly recommend it if we ever want to meet up out here. Remind me to tell you ALL about the viking runestone museum and 'Big Ole' sometime. That was a riot.

So today, Palm Sunday, a week before Easter, April 5th.... we woke up to several inches of snow.

Help me.