Bi And Large

Ugh, what a long hiatus. I hate being silent so long, but when sttuff gets so hectic and stressful it seems like I just don't have the energy to talk. SUPPOSEDLY life should start to settle down somewhat now into a summery pattern (*supposedly* is the key word here, so far I have not really seen it, and I am not holding my breath!) so with any luck I should be around more to not only catch up with everyone but to get back into the swing of things with the activist part of this blog.

OK. What has been going on. Let's see.

Work is fine, going well. I do love my job! It is so exciting to find a niche where you really excel and get strokes for it. Double cool to be one of something like only a dozen people in the world (probably less) who can do what I do. I wish it paid more! But c'est la vie. You can't have everything all at once, so they say, and I am happy with this much. I have FINALLY gotten my hours cut back, and that makes life a little easier to handle. I don't mind being there full time, but the pressure of go go go go GO and running from patient to patient with no down time, and no time to just be myself at home, and always having to be cheerful and chipper and UP talking to patients, was making me crazy manic. I was overwhelmed, irritable, and exhausted. So this should be way better. I'm working about 5 hours a day now. I'm also almost fully taking over the new 12 watt machine, which is one of only 2 in the world (!) and I get to run it. SO cool. We're getting excellent feedback from patients on it and it's really exciting.

Home life: Good. I can finally say that. It has been a long road the past year or two. Especially the first few months Pete was back, I think there was a lot of resentment and a lot of rubbing each other the wrong way. Now? It is good. Honestly good. I am happy, I am secure. I think - hope - he is too. We came through it. I enjoy Pete's company. He brings me flowers, he does things to make my life easier and take care of me. Not many women are as lucky as I am and I know that. There is a lot of peace in our home right now, and I like it. I hope it stays forever.

Nanny Sitch: Mmmm, not so good. Manageable, but not exactly ideal. I am really frustrated, maybe especially because it's hard for me to come out and tell people when I think they're not playing fair. I hate to ever chance being disliked, I'm such a wuss. I just had a lot more in mind for this and, based on previous childcare, I don't think I was too far out of line. I think the kids are safe, so hey. That's a plus. Downsides: The nanny talked big during our interview process about how much she liked to clean, and when she had free time during the day she would clean up, and so on. But since being here she has every day left a huge mess behind her - dirty dishes, toys and books, whatever. Now our house is already a huge mess, granted. We made sure she understood we didn't expect her to clean up OUR mess. But come on. Even when I was babysitting at 10 years old I figured out quick that you clean up your OWN mess when you are in someone else's home. It's just common courtesy, or you don't get any more jobs (and for good reason.) Other issue that makes me feel lied to: she is both afraid of and disgusted by the dog. Yes, the dog is big. Yes, the dog sheds and slobbers. But I made sure I put that in the original ad when I went looking for a nanny (we have a big drooly dog!) I specifically questioned her about it before letting her through to the interview stage - I pressed the issue that we had a st bernard and she assured me she was fine with that. Obviously, she is not fine with that. The dog is suffering, I am stressed out, if I had just known this before hand we could have avoided this whole problem. I'd say 5% of the people who meet Charlotte hate her or are afraid of her, and 95% absolutely adore her. We know this and we are always *very* careful to never assume people are going to like her (and then we revel in it when she gets the praise heaped on her at the park, or the vet, or walking around the neighborhood, or whatever. People are so drawn to her and she really is a beautiful, awesome dog!) If you don't like big dogs, just SAY so, and we won't inflict our dog on you. We do it all the time! Lastly the nanny has no experience with childcare, and it is really showing. She is the oldest child in a large family, and I thought that would count for a lot, but it must be different than actually working with kids. She seems confused by our girls more than anything. She knows how to feed and clothe them, and thats good. But she doesn't really get how to interact with them or play with them. Most of the activities during the day seem to revolve around her infant. Some of which is going to happen as par for the course, understandably - nursing, changing diapers, and so on. I have no problem with that part of it. But if your job was to entertain 2 preschool / kinder aged kids, wouldn't you organize stuff for them to do? As, you know, part of the job? Maybe even the main part of the job? Take them to the park, think up crafts, play games, cook, sing songs, dress up, have picnics, play music, draw pictures, take a nature hike, learn about something new, create, whatever. Just do something. It makes me sad that the kids are so bored during the day. It will be easier next week when Amy and the other kids in the neighborhood are out of school too, and they are easy going kids who can entertain themselves a lot. I am just a little disappointed in the lack of effort being put into this. If your goal is to relax, play with your baby, and surf the internet all day, then that is fine. But if that is the case, you'd be better as a stay-at-home-mom, not getting paid to be a nanny. I'm just sayin'. My hope is that maybe this first week has just had some growing pains. It's always awkward in a new situation. Maybe as we get used to each other, things will get much better. Fingers crossed!

 Moving On....

Memorial Day was fun, Greg came over! We haven't seen him in ages and the girls especially had really missed him. We headed down to Famous Dave's and ate ourselves sick on ribs or rib tips together. I hate that we go so long in between getting together when we're in the same state. He's one of the most important people in the whole world to me and I should really show him more often.

Pet drama: Ohhhhh the drama. Let's see. Around Memorial Day, Amy's largest / oldest hermit crab, Una, passed on to the great seashore in the sky. And started to smell. Amy was sad. We weren't sure the other, smaller one was living either. But she had done a great job keeping them alive and well since Christmas, and the big one was huge and old when we got it, so I think she did alright. Then one day she came upstairs and said she had gone to pick up the smaller crab and 'it's skin came off!" Ewwww. So we looked at the leg that fell off its dessicated little body and figured something hd gone wrong and they were goners. Pete prepared to bury the unfortunate crabs, Amy cried, and a couple days later we headed to the pet store to buy new crabs and fresh substrate for the cage.

At the pet store Amy suddenly says hey, you know, maybe I don't want another crab after all. Maybe I want a frog. Or a lizard. Or a gerbil. Or or or... I said OK as long as it lived in a cage - no more dogs and cats. She wanted something she could handle and interact with. We ended up coming home with a parakeet! It is (if I am getting this right) a 5 month old male sky blue greywing that she named Obi (like ObiWan!) and he is delightfully tame. He isn't thrilled about being handled yet, but he will do it. Amy is fantastic with him and has spent a lot of time hand training him and talking to him. His cage is in the computer room where a) it is warm and b) we can close the door to let him out in the room on her hand without the dog or cat being an issue.

So we get home with his parakeet and walk in the door and say hey Pete, we got a parakeet. And he says hey guess what, the little hermit crab isn't dead, he molted. !!! Sure enough, the little crab Ooni was alive and well and aware enough after a bath. Bright red, with new skin, but had just molted. So now Amy has a hermit crab AND a parakeet. Bringing our grand total of pets in this house to 10, counting the 5 guppies. Good Lord, it's like the Fitzgerald's Wild Kingdom.

California: We leave on Thursday! Amy graduates that day and we leave late that night. I can't wait to see my family, strangely enough. We'll be there until Monday morning. I'll be able to help my mom out with all the things she has been struggling with and hopefully the girls will cheer her up while she's stuck back in her wheelchair.

And I specifically didn't fly United, the bastards.

OK that is plenty for now! I shall be around more often this summer. Hope you are all well!

I think about writing here in the blog every day, but I can't quite manage to get it done. I have so many half formed posts rattling around inside my head, but the effort it would take to form them into something coherent and worth reading is just too much. It is almost summer. Almost. I am hanging on. I am struggling to keep my head above water, really struggling. And it is my own mind that's trying to drown me. Without enough down time during the week I go beyond the busy feel-good hypomania into overwhelmed, irritable, rage, hallucinations, anxious, and panicky. The mental symptoms give me physical symptoms too (like the chest pains of panick attacks, which are delightful I must say!) and the exhaustion of coping with non-stop adrenaline surge while not sleeping. It's so hard to put into words. I have anoher week ahead of me, and I just want to make it through without hurting my family or myself.

Once I've had some rest and can get myself back to a more stable place, I'll be writing more and putting up some of the posts I'm filing away in my head now. But as it is, there's just no way.

I 'supposedly' have one more hell week at work, then my schedule will start to resemble normal a bit more, and I will be around more often. I am holding my breath, because this is no fun!

Pete has been super sick. They diagnosed him with bronchitis, but if it is just that it is the worst case of bronchitis I have ever seen. When he went in to the doctor they also thought he had swine flu, which I find really amusing. They did the whole mask deal and made him do chest xrays and blood counts and nasal swabs. Good times.

My mom went back into the hospital last Thursday. :( She has had another bad infection, and this time they were seriously talking about amputating, it was so bad. They took the rod out of her leg, which was what was allowing her to walk, and that has devastated her. She made it through surgery AND kept her foot (again!) and will be in the hospial until Wednesday, then home and back in the wheelchair and on IV antibiotics for 3 more months. Can you believe it? No more walking again, no more showers, no driving, nothing. They were supposed to come out next weekend and obviously that is off. I think we'll try to get out there in a few weeks when the girls are out of school.

Wednesday (US time) is Sam's birthday. I miss her so terribly, it is hard to function sometimes. Say a prayer or spare a thought for my Sams this week. Thanks.