Bi And Large

It's the dumbest things.

Having pneumonia makes me miss Sam so awfully much. Is that pathetic? Weird? Pathological? Yeah I know, probably. And I appreciate all the well meaning people in my life who gently let me know about 'complicated grief' (as if there is a simple grief?) and I mentally have a wry little laugh that even my grief is a mental illness now. But whatever. That doesn't matter. What I was saying is, having pnu... the close association with something that I have avoided the very mention of for 2 years now because of the reminders it brings, that I would GET it, myself, it brings a flood with it.

Sam and I were always so close, especially in the early days of our friendship. We knew each other then mainly through letters and emails and it was very much as though we were sisters. More than just close friends, we shared our selves. It was like we recognized our self in each other. The bond was instant and deep and I didn't understand how fused into me she was - I admit it, I took her for granted in later years - until there was an absence.

I have always been used to living a continent apart from Sam. Space and distance are no stranger to us and I think that makes it harder for me to grasp that she is not there. I have a hard time typing that, I don't really believe it on some level I know. I miss her emails once in a while so I read through old letters she has sent or page through her blog from months past and it seems, it REALLY seems, as though she is not gone at all. The same words are there, the same life, the same photos, the same cheery headlong personality telling me off for stupidity but loyal to the core. I spent time tonight reading some of Sam's last emails and blog post when she was diagnosed with pnu. And here I am in my head pretending that we've both got pneumonia now, oh ha ha, isn't that a funny coincidence??? Only I refuse to look at the dates on her writings that say 2007 and I refuse to scroll up on her blog where it announces her memorial service. I only scroll back, and read about her boss, and her dog that she loves, and the new car. And everything is OK again.