Bi And Large

It's the dumbest things.

Having pneumonia makes me miss Sam so awfully much. Is that pathetic? Weird? Pathological? Yeah I know, probably. And I appreciate all the well meaning people in my life who gently let me know about 'complicated grief' (as if there is a simple grief?) and I mentally have a wry little laugh that even my grief is a mental illness now. But whatever. That doesn't matter. What I was saying is, having pnu... the close association with something that I have avoided the very mention of for 2 years now because of the reminders it brings, that I would GET it, myself, it brings a flood with it.

Sam and I were always so close, especially in the early days of our friendship. We knew each other then mainly through letters and emails and it was very much as though we were sisters. More than just close friends, we shared our selves. It was like we recognized our self in each other. The bond was instant and deep and I didn't understand how fused into me she was - I admit it, I took her for granted in later years - until there was an absence.

I have always been used to living a continent apart from Sam. Space and distance are no stranger to us and I think that makes it harder for me to grasp that she is not there. I have a hard time typing that, I don't really believe it on some level I know. I miss her emails once in a while so I read through old letters she has sent or page through her blog from months past and it seems, it REALLY seems, as though she is not gone at all. The same words are there, the same life, the same photos, the same cheery headlong personality telling me off for stupidity but loyal to the core. I spent time tonight reading some of Sam's last emails and blog post when she was diagnosed with pnu. And here I am in my head pretending that we've both got pneumonia now, oh ha ha, isn't that a funny coincidence??? Only I refuse to look at the dates on her writings that say 2007 and I refuse to scroll up on her blog where it announces her memorial service. I only scroll back, and read about her boss, and her dog that she loves, and the new car. And everything is OK again.

Well I'm back from the hospital today and a good time was had by all!

I had my ultrasound at 2. Now, it was just me and the sonographer or ultrasound tech or whatever you call the person who does the ultrasound. No radiologist. That said, during the exam they agreed with me, and said they couldn't see anything but really swollen lymph nodes. So they took some pictures of those anyhow and sent them on to the radiologist and we'll wait to hear from him/her for the final word, but I feel confident that my initial suspicion was correct. (And I feel smart for figuring it out, too!)

Now, this nasty cough I have had from the H1N1, it is giving me no peace. Not to be overly dramatic, because I'm not in anywhere near this bad of shape, but I can see how it is young healthy people are dying from this flu. I cough and cough and can't catch my breath, until I am dizzy and my head and chest hurt so bad, and my fingers and tongue turn blue. It's *awful.* I spiked up a fever again today too, probably from the pneumonia. So after the ultrasound I went over to urgent care to ask them to listen to my lungs, and they did, then they looked concerned, and admitted me to hospital. So, yay for that. Now, I only stayed a few hours. They gave me some albuterol and some oxygen, and got my pulse ox saturation back up to a more normal level. They gave me a script for a steroid inhaler and some prescription strength cough syrup as well as some stronger antibiotics. And I got discharged and sent on my way.

They also told me to stay off work the rest of this week, which is only 1 day since we're closed Fridays. Not bad advice, given I am pretty sick and I work with a fragile population. I was still having a lot of trouble talking, so I texted Pete and asked him to call my work and let them know that the u/s went fine, but that I had been hospitalized for my pneumonia and wouldn't be in tomorrow. When I got home this evening, I came home to a snarky message on my machine saying that if I wasn't going to be in to work tomorow that I had to have a doctor's note, and they expected to see me back Monday. WTH?? I am never out sick, for crying out loud I came in on Monday after I knew I had pneumonia and was having trouble breathing. They heard me hacking and coughing, they know I'm really sick. It's an office with FOUR employees. They all know me well, we work so closely together, but they didn't call to say hey, we're glad you don't have cancer. Or gee, sorry you're in the hospital, feel better soon. Just bring a doctor's note please and be here Monday. If I didn't adore the work I do so much, this would be seriously the shittiest job ever.

So I spent most of my afternoon in urgent care, unable to breathe. I had a fever and sore throat a week ago, but I wasn't *that* sick. And I got better. Then Friday I had aches and pains so bad I could barely drive / hang on to my steering wheel, Saturday my fever was back and I had bad fatigue, and Sunday I woke up with a wicked cough and pained chest. It hurts to breathe.

The urgent care doc says I test positive for H1N1, but probably had it last week when I had the sore throat. So not contagious any more. I have really low pulse oxygen, a bad cough, and bronchitis. He also thinks he hears some pnuemonia in there. So yay. I have a prescription for a z-pack and instructions to rest and drink fluids.

When it rains, it pours. Sigh.