Bi And Large

I think about writing here in the blog every day, but I can't quite manage to get it done. I have so many half formed posts rattling around inside my head, but the effort it would take to form them into something coherent and worth reading is just too much. It is almost summer. Almost. I am hanging on. I am struggling to keep my head above water, really struggling. And it is my own mind that's trying to drown me. Without enough down time during the week I go beyond the busy feel-good hypomania into overwhelmed, irritable, rage, hallucinations, anxious, and panicky. The mental symptoms give me physical symptoms too (like the chest pains of panick attacks, which are delightful I must say!) and the exhaustion of coping with non-stop adrenaline surge while not sleeping. It's so hard to put into words. I have anoher week ahead of me, and I just want to make it through without hurting my family or myself.

Once I've had some rest and can get myself back to a more stable place, I'll be writing more and putting up some of the posts I'm filing away in my head now. But as it is, there's just no way.

I 'supposedly' have one more hell week at work, then my schedule will start to resemble normal a bit more, and I will be around more often. I am holding my breath, because this is no fun!

Pete has been super sick. They diagnosed him with bronchitis, but if it is just that it is the worst case of bronchitis I have ever seen. When he went in to the doctor they also thought he had swine flu, which I find really amusing. They did the whole mask deal and made him do chest xrays and blood counts and nasal swabs. Good times.

My mom went back into the hospital last Thursday. :( She has had another bad infection, and this time they were seriously talking about amputating, it was so bad. They took the rod out of her leg, which was what was allowing her to walk, and that has devastated her. She made it through surgery AND kept her foot (again!) and will be in the hospial until Wednesday, then home and back in the wheelchair and on IV antibiotics for 3 more months. Can you believe it? No more walking again, no more showers, no driving, nothing. They were supposed to come out next weekend and obviously that is off. I think we'll try to get out there in a few weeks when the girls are out of school.

Wednesday (US time) is Sam's birthday. I miss her so terribly, it is hard to function sometimes. Say a prayer or spare a thought for my Sams this week. Thanks.

Yesterday, OMG. Typical patient load for a full day at our office is 8 - 9 patients in a day, depending on the length of their visit. Yesterday I saw and treated SIXTEEN people. And not short visits either, mostly full length visits with shorter ones packed all around them. I was flat out running, all overlapping visits, no break. No lunch, always behind, no bathroom break, just running from one to the next trying to keep up. It was insane. And today I am wiped out! Luckily Fridays are an off day, so I can use the day to just recover.

I am grateful that my boss was agreeable to me going back to part time hours after my coworker gets back, because the full time craziness is hard for me to handle. However, I have been offered 2 full time days, and that is hard. I would much rather do a full week of part time days. The long days are what wipes me out and what I am trying to avoid. I don't want to complain, because 1) I am lucky to have a job, I know; and a job that I enjoy at that. and 2) because my work was awesome to just say 'sure' when I asked about going part time and to accomodate that for me. But 2 full time days is kind of the worst of both worlds. I will still have the problem with being completely wiped out and overstimulated / overwhelmed / overtired by the full on day of running, and it will mean that I need to take 2 days out of the rest of the week as 'recovery' days to get my self and abilities back after each day. My kids will still be struggling with the effects of long days, and part of what I was trying to avoid was getting Iris up so early and being away from them for quite so many hours at a time. And then really, 2 days a week is like, 16 hours a week. That's REALLY part time, and pretty much no pay. So while it is great that I will get to drop my hours, the solution offered is not exactly what I had in mind. I'll still be struggling and all we will gain really is less income.

ANYWAY I am being positive today! It is a beautiful spring day, and I am home with my girls (well, once Amy gets home from school) and we are headed to the dog park before thunderstorms roll in later this afternoon. The grass is green, my hyacinths are blooming in the front yard making everything smell sweet, I can have all the windows open. I am glad to be here!